Space is a dangerous and unpredictable terrain with the possibility of fatal collisions, the presence of extreme gravitational and nuclear forces & the inevitability of unpredictability. It appears that the only difference between outer space and Planet Anorexia is having the power to control change and prevent or reverse the effect of destruction.

 

Whilst many theories exist as to how the universe emerged, all evidence confirms that once Planet Luka had followed its trajectory for nine years, Planet Anorexia began its orbit. Initially, the receptors in my mind were resilient and Planet Anorexia's effect was minimal. The origin of Luka in Italian translates to light in English. And like the night sky, my Planet lit the runway for all of the galaxies. I illuminated others' lives with my innocence, hope and joy. But most importantly, I was the source of light for my Planet. I was a capable person who sought pleasure in all aspects of her life including personal hygiene, celebrating milestones over delicious food & maintaining healthy relationships. But it wasn't long before Planet Anorexia's gravitational pull was so significant that the gravity of my Planet had been consumed. And in turn, my essence had become a variable star... My shine was ever changing and it was only as bright as my name allowed for. In any event, punishing myself was once deemed as an unforgivable act but with time, punishment seeped into my life like air. I punished myself through deprivation, compensation and perishment. What once was a Planet abundant with life, warmed by the sun & relishing in luscious valleys blooming with peonies and lavender had been exterminated by dark matter, hateful pollution and depression. I had been captured by an infestation of deception. Planet Anorexia was, in fact, not a Planet at all but rather a black hole. Black holes can be described as a mass so concentrated that it doesn't allow even the brightest of lights to escape after it's been swallowed. And it had swallowed Planet Luka and all of the light she generated.

 

Although Astronomers discovered that black holes exist, the absence of light doesn't allow the human eye to see a black hole meaning they can only study how surrounding matter is affected. Similarly, those who encountered Planet Luka, like my family and friends, couldn't see an innately black gaping hole. Rather, they saw the colossal damage in my mind and body. It deeply disturbs me that it is at what seems to be an irrevocable point of damage when treatment teams begin a thorough assessment that excludes judgement, invalidation and flippancy. My disturbance transpires from times when my desperation for help was immense, yet people I trusted told me I looked fine and ignored my cries. This led me to grow bitter and untrusting. I feel apprehensive about places that should feel safe like hospitals. I feel wary of telling new people about Planet Anorexia. I feel distressed about weight gain for if my body changes, what if everybody forgets that I am sick?

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Space is loud with its silence. It's painfully beautiful to think we are inextricably connected to such silence. Unfortunately, silence breeds secrets, darkness and shame. It is in silence that we withdraw. People think withdrawal happens as one is purifying their system of drugs. But what they don't tell you is that you begin withdrawal long before... when you are using every day. My eyes would cloud over like clockwork, my brain succumbed to tragedy and all that was left in those moments was a frightened young girl.