100 REASONS TO WIN ANOREXIA'S WAR

Dolls, if you didn't already know, I've recently moved, by myself, into an apartment. I followed the famous age 21 route, gaining the keys to my new world, life and first home. It's as magical as it sounds and more, but every day, despite its beautiful dawn, I wake up to a day withholding my war with anorexia, the war of eating or not eating, of breathing or not breathing and of dying or not dying. This is my second time facing this war without any soldiers to carry me through the times, but it's my first for entertaining it with sufficient longevity. What I have noticed thus far is that its battle cries are the loudest, most crippling I've ever experienced throughout my war with anorexia. It's allowed me to understand what anorexia is like for everyone who lives without family or lives with an unsupportive one. Though I've always known anorexia to be dark, in this independent space, it is shielded entirely from the sun, porous, not at all, and blindingly, absolutely. Every new moment that elapses becomes harder to attain reasons to win its war. So I conjure 101 reasons for those who live by themselves, for those who are stuck, and for those who don't have a loved one to guide them through the blackened alleyway war with lighting. This is 101 reasons to win anorexia's brutal, bastard war.

To see your parents smile.
To have the energy to stay up late.
To dance.
To have an all-nighter with your best friend.
To dream, to not have nightmares.
To have babies.
To have the capacity to be in a relationship.
To own a home.
To be closer to your parents.
To study.

To have the energy to laugh and smile.
To not be irritable.
To be a unique individual, yourself.
To have ambitions, goals, and dreams.
To watch your bank account grow.
To not feel like a burden.
To be proud of who you are.
To recognise the person staring back at you in the mirror.
To bestow confidence.
To be strong, emotionally and physically.
To be sporty.
To be artistic.
To feel loved.
To feel safe.
To not keep secrets.

To be afraid, no more.
To run with puppies and young children.
To be responsible.
To be brave.
To be bold.
To watch sunrises and sunsets forevermore.
To feel your hair in the wind.
To fall in love.
To have another first kiss.
To meet another one of your people.
To feel free.
To be connected with your inner child.
To sleep soundly, deeply.
To be warm.
To have self-worth.
To find yourself.
To be spontaneous.
To play sport.
To be creative.
To be imaginative.
To enjoy the breeze.
To be wise.
To be knowledgeable.
To have lessons to teach.
To have experiences.

To make someone's day.
To be kind.
To have an opinion.
To have a voice.
To be educated.
To have a memory.
To have beautiful, healthy hair.
To see your favourite musician at a live concert.
To own and fall in love with a pet.
To attend the beauty and love found only at a wedding.

To travel.
To fly.
To jump out of a plane.
To hanglide, soaring across mountains.
To explore a foreign city on foot.
To eat local produce, the ripest of whole foods in spring.
To nurture a crying baby to rest.
To have your first day at a new job, the anticipation swelling, the possibility of tomorrow existing.
To have your last day at work in a valued position, being sent off with warmth and thank you gifts.
To win an award of excellence.
To complete a hard-earned degree, and in turn, have the pride bursting from every part of your body.
To smile over something so intently, passionately and purely that it physically hurts.
To buy something for yourself that you've never bought before, something that you didn't know you wanted but now can't imagine living without.
To make a new friend who you think might become your best one day.
To have somebody you value compliment you.

To have somebody you didn't know liked you that much, share their profound fondness of you.
To be so excited about waking up that you can't sleep.
To stargaze.
To watch the aurora lights.
To pick a fresh flower bouquet.
To roast marshmallows on an open fire and eat them with a smile.
For the arguments to stop.
To enjoy the scent of a household filled with freshly baked goods.
To be proposed to.
To get married.
To be asked to be a bridesmaid by your best friend at her wedding.
To laugh so uncontrollably that you physically develop stitches and knots in your stomach but to be so happy that you don't even care, not even a little but, in fact, delighting in the pain because it is a true representation of your sheer joy.
To smell flowers.
To be gifted flowers.
To wake up on your birthday with the people you love around you.
To wake up to the sheer delight that is Christmas morning.
To have somebody behind you pay for your drink.
To paint an artwork you're proud of.
To buy a dog, one that becomes entirely yours, your soulmate, your best friend.
To go skinny dipping, randomly, at dawn or dusk, with your best friend or lover.
To make a deposit on your first home, one that you tirelessly worked for.
To have the feeling that you've found your purpose in life.
To feel happy, whole-heartedly about the place you're in, about the job you work out, about the friends you share and the memories you're making.
To purchase a piece of jewellery that you absolutely treasure and adore.
To feel like everything is, actually, going to be okay.