101 REASONS (For When You Are Alone)

My therapist always tells me that eating disorders thrive in isolation. And it is from personal experience that I whole-heartedly agree with her. Sometimes, the only times I can manage to eat is when my parents have a meal with me. And soon, for family reasons, I will be entirely alone for a long period of time. So from me to you, Dolls, I'm compiling a list that is aimed at motivating anybody who suffers from an eating disorder to eat when it's the last thing in the world that they want to do.

1. To feel the sun on my skin

2. To wake up in my bed

3. To walk my dog

4. To dance when nobody's watching

5. To dance when everyone's watching

6. To kiss

7. To fall in love

8. To make a customer's day

9. To have a customer make my day

10. To go shopping

11. To go to my friends' birthday parties

12. To feel

13. To have the clarity of mind to write

14. To have time alone

15. To cook

16. To get lost exploring

17. To sing in the shower

18. To shower with nobody watching

19. To play the piano

20. To write songs

21. To clean my room

22. To listen to my dog barking, far before I reach my front door because he knows the sound of my footsteps

23. To go on a date

24. To listen to my dog fall asleep

25. To drive

26. To be held by someone I love, screaming myself awake from a nightmare

27. To explore somewhere new

28. To make my own choices & decisions

29. To go to the markets

30. To make a new friend

31. To have Christmas at home

32. So that my obsessive thoughts don't get bad again

33. To laugh

34. To think creatively

35. To dream

36. To be alive

37. So that my dog doesn't forget me

38. So that my parents can enjoy their time with each other

39. So that my family can be spontaneous, fun & free

40. To keep my dog alive

41. To have a midnight snack because I feel like it

42. To be tucked in to bed by my mum or dad

43. To get a tattoo

44. To get a piercing

45. To get a massage

46. To get my nails done

47. To watch the world go bye

48. To go to the hair salon

49. To go to concerts

50. To be silly with someone who just gets you

51. To fall asleep to the sound of rain falling on a tin roof

52. To make a private phone call

53. To have a sleepover

54. To write at my writing desk

55. To smell a room that's been lit up with candles

56. To take baths

57. To swim at the beach

58. To go to Vivid

59. To catch public transport

60. To experience the feeling you get when you come home to an electric blanket, having forgotten you turned it on

61. To drive with the car windows down, feeling the breeze in your hair

62. Holding a newborn baby

63. Patting a stranger's dog on the sidewalk

64. Saying 'I love you' for the first time

65. Hearing 'I love you' for the first time

66. To feel proud of yourself

67. To prove to yourself that you're stronger than you thought

68. To go the carnival

69. To go to the cinemas

70. To run through sprinklers

71. To have a favourite food

72. To say 'yes' easily, freely

73. To respect your body, your mind, your soul, you

74. To bear the creativity to write

75. To go for a walk alone with headphones in, listening to your favourite song

76. To be on a plane

77. To smell flowers

78. To watch the leaves change colour in Autumn

79. To have a stranger smile at you

80. To walk past a bakery in the early morning, smelling the fresh scent of baked goods

81. To feel proud & accomplished each week receiving a pay-check

82. To talk about your day with someone who cares

83. To do photoshoots

84. To take cute photos of your pet

85. To have a warm, relaxing bubble bath on a freezing cold day

86. To have a day ahead that bears zero plans, entirely open with endless possibilities

87. To watch a sunrise

88. To watch a sunset

89. To receive a present

90. To give a present

91. To feel satisfaction from cleaning a messy space

92. To smell the rain

93. To have a snowball fight

94. To make snow angels

95. To receive the compliment 'You smell good.'

96. To receive a compliment

97. To smell a space filled with fresh sage

98. To get drunk with people you love

99. To be single

100. To be in a relationship

101. To be happy

Dolls, so often, I feel as though I don't know enough and that I am not enough. So often, I feel as though the life before me is a life that I am wasting, a life that could or should be more. So often, I feel sad at the fact that even the most beautiful parts of being alive don't fill me up in the way it's filled me up before. So I write this list for anybody who feels like I do so that you, too, have 101 reasons to keep going, even when you don't want to. This is not an ordinary list. This is 101 moments of hope to hold on to.

Kisses,

COS x