A Day With Anorexia

Experiencing an eating disorder as a millenial in the digital age meant that I lived vicariously through other sick people who shared their restrictive 'what I eat in a day' videos or food & fitness orientated 'day in the life' videos. This Blog Post's title is inspired by the titles of the videos I would watch obsessively but its content is antithetical to the glorification of Anorexia. Instead of preaching weight loss, rigidity and control, I want to preach the reality of living with the illness: debilitation, conflict and loss. One day lived with Anorexia is one day too long.

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I awake most mornings in a state of despair or terror, reflecting on the disturbing dreams of the night before. The dreams are centred around the eating disorder and explore the fears associated with it such as family conflict, loss of freedom or eating itself. Some nights I can be so kind as to refer to the images in my sleep as dreams, but more commonly than not, they are nightmares. The morning also entails taking my medication for the maintaining factors that fuel the eating disorder: depression and OCD. I then take the vitamins that I lack due to a nutritionally incomplete diet and replenish the vitamins I'm low in from malnutrition. Integrated into the morning routine of many days of the week are appointments to ensure physical and mental stability or improvement. Although beneficial, it means that my life revolves around an eating disorder, I am forced to experience life with one and spend much of my time dismantling it.

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As the day progresses, I work on my Blog or as a Shopaholic retail assistant. I adore the working aspect of my life and the joyful distraction it provides me with... but I'd be lying if I said it was that simple. Work colleagues and customers are a reminder of the abnormality in my life. The customers casually stroll our store drinking milky brown sugar boba tea with caramel tapioca pearls or munching on a fresh teriyaki chicken sushi hand roll. Whilst my colleagues mindlessly snack on little squares of Cadbury heaven flavoured with honeycomb and cookie crumble or delightfully sour and excitably squishy sour patch kids. In comparison, throughout my day, the thoughts that plague my mind are calorie restriction & compensation and body image. Though tormenting, such thoughts have become my main source of purpose, fulfilment and reassurance.

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When it comes to dinner, the tension is heightened and an element of confrontation is always involved. It is the time of day when my eating disorder has the least control and as a result, it tries to regain it. This isn't an easy task considering it's hard to find comfort during scenarios that feel unbearably difficult. The task involves engaging in obsessional behaviours such as relentless interrogation about how the food must be prepared or organising the food in a way that makes it less daunting. But if the eating disorder isn't satisfied with the outcome of how the food is being prepared or is appearing, I am left feeling overwhelmed, stressed and afraid which comes out through tears, shutting down or yelling. It's difficult for my family to try and diffuse the situation and although I believe they have empathy for me, they are faced with feelings of frustration. Their feelings are accentuated when I play with the food, take a long time to finish and try cleaning anything I perceive as contaminated. The OCD adds gasoline to the flames of the eating disorder creating a highly unpleasant ambience. My parents have endeavoured to create a meal I can manage and all of my questions causes them to feel that I don't trust them and that I think they are being deceitful. This breaks my heart and leaves me burdened with shame because I do trust them and am deeply grateful for their help.

The beautiful thing about family, though, is that despite the hardship of this time of day, we are able to manage conversations of care: learning about each other's day, our wins and our upcoming events. It isn't easy by any means but our love prevails and makes an unbearable situation bearable. If I don't go out with friends afterwards, we spend time together in front of the television or see a live event and we remember why it is that we fight our battles together, help each other navigate the darkness and resolve conflict. It's because our purpose is and always will be greater than the journey.

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So, Dolls, that is one day in the haystack. It is my hope that you can recognise the complexity of living with anorexia and see how no single emotion or situation is purely black and white. Every moment is interlaced with conflicting emotions, making life confusing for all parties involved. I do not wish my day on anybody, but for those who experience these days, know that you are not alone, you are not a bad person and your place in the world is important.

Kisses & Hugs,

Cos xo

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