A Letter To My Dad
Some people can't be summed up in words because their existence comes alive when you're in their presence, wrapped up in the arms that invite you to be a part of their world. And oh, do you feel honoured. Because for the first time, if not ever, then in a long time, you feel like somebody sees you. But you don't only see people, do you, Dad? You love people. You love even the broken ones, because you know you can heal their wounds with the taste of who you are. This is a letter to my dad, not because of any reason other than I know that he needs it. And I would do anything for my dad because he is not the butterfly, he is the cocoon that allows every sad and hiding caterpillar to become the thing they never thought they'd become. My, and if he isn't the cocoon, then he is the whole damn world awaiting the butterfly's wounded little heart. So, Dad, this is my letter to you because you've spent so long being the cocoon that I'm afraid you, another butterfly in the world, have crawled back as a caterpillar into the shieldedness that a cocoon provides. I see you, forever and always. And I will love you forever and always.
A letter to you starts with me telling you that the words I have to say are ones that I know are incapable of describing how you make me feel when I see you, when I hug you and when I think of you. You must understand this for I know you think my words are beautiful. But you deserve to know that you are a thousand million billion times more beautiful than a sentence of mine could ever spell. You, to me, are the sun that keeps me warm, the stars that illuminate the blackened sky, the hues of light that glow through the Milky Way. It's impossible to describe you with words, Dad, because your existence is unspeakable, summed up and explained only by the feeling that it is to be in your presence, encapsulated by your warm and beautiful aura. You are more than words, so much more.
You have often been surrounded by characters suffering from their own battles, haven't you? Ones with a darkness inside of them. And you being the selfless, beautiful person you are have acted as a sponge, soaking up their suffering with the alluringness of your security. But I want you to know that your only purpose in life is not to be a sponge. I want you to know that you deserve the ease of simplicity whether that be in relationships, friendships or situations. You've always deserved it. It was your birthright. However, it became more than your birthright when you grew up to be such an inherently exquisite human being, the rare kind, the kind that others work on themselves endeavouring to become and the kind that others prove themselves to be. You proved yourself to the world and the world didn't prove itself to you. In all the time you've spent saving others, not everyone has saved you from themselves and their darkness. You soaked and soaked and soaked and I worry that in all of your soaking up, you've lost pieces of yourself when the sponge that was filled with water had no other choice but to secrete small oozes, even the diluted droplets of your effervescent spirit. But your past doesn't define you. And you can create a different present for yourself, as well as a different future. You deserve to be treated well, and to be loved, more than any other person I know. You deserve to be overcome by the joy that it is to be adored, praised and admired. You deserve to feel so fucking special that you forget the day of the week, the time of the month, the date of the year. You deserve to be free of the pressures of life as the joy of something else overrides it all, like our love, like a magical moment in time, like a shooting star shooting across the midnight sky, free as a bird, understatedly powerful in its perfection and freedom. Your past does not have to define you. Be a butterfly. Fly, free. Though we cannot change our past, we can prevent it from defining our future. And I want nothing more for you than in this moment for you to see your inherent worthiness and allow it to shape for you a future that is lacking in trials and tribulation and is instead abundant in devotion, passion and vivaciousness. Now is your time to recognise how profoundly it is that love, respect and honesty deserve to find their way to you.
You are funny, intelligent, positive and capable. I know you doubt this with the labels placed upon you contrary to the facts. I know they weasel their way inside your brain. I know you look in the mirror and you see someone dangerous. But when you should find yourself looking in the mirror, I want you to be proud. You should be proud of the way your face has perfect wrinkles around your mouth from how much of your life you've spent happy, laughing, and loving. You should be proud of the arms on your body that have been spent embracing the bodies of broken birds and their wounded souls, tightly and grandly. You should be proud of the legs that have walked into my hospital room on countless occasions, allowing me to share the space with the existence of a father who I fundamentally trust, eradicating the version of myself that was ridden with terrorising fear, suffering and lonesomeness. Your whole life people have placed upon you labels and I think it's limited your ability to make up your own mind about your identity. I hope you've applied the labels of 'warm', 'compassionate', 'supportive' and 'kind' upon yourself. But I know that my voice came after the fact, introducing themselves once others had sustained. And oh, how it breaks my heart for I know they block the words I've written upon you, in all their miscontruedness. You're a gentle giant amidst a land of raging ogres. You're a peaceful angel who fights off devils with their golden arrows. You're a ray of sunshine on a miserable day. And a delightful flower that searches for glimpses of golden sunlight to liven its wilted stalks. You are enticingly bright, inextricably brave and destined for growth.
To true people of the world, you are everything. And to me? You are more.
To my father, my best friend and my light, this is a letter to you. May you find the joy sunken in your treacherous waters, may the peace in the eye of the tornado save you, and may you find the bravery contained in the bridges standing amidst the burning ruins. You've got this, and when and if you don't, I will.
Kisses,
Luka x
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