'A LITTLE BIT' AMIDST A LOT OF 'NOTHING AT ALL'
Dolls, if I am honest with myself and you, recovery, trying and challenging have mostly consisted of nothing at all for a long time now. Hopelessness, fear and struggle are at an all-time high and within this terrain is a will on everybody's behalf to concede to nothing at all. But Dolls, I wasn't born into nothing at all. I was born into love, I was fought for and I was deemed important. I was prioritised above nothing so that I could flourish as I became welcomed into a world where everything existed. As of now, everything isn't possible. But I believe that a little bit amidst nothing at all accounts for more than is recognised.
The thing about doing nothing at all is that you think it won't last but, Dolls, I hate to be the one to tell you, it will. Unless you actively work on it, nothing at all digresses into less and then a little less and then even less. If you continue to do nothing at all, when the time comes that you've never needed to do a little bit so much, it will take all of you. You'll be impossibly rigid in your regiments, direly afraid of change and deathly attached to your eating disorder. As my friend calls it, this is the scary stage. At the scary stage, you're so blinded by being high off the ecstasy of extreme restriction and being irrevocably in love with the devil in your mind that you will want to remain stuck in your little world where doing nothing at all makes you feel perfect, safe and free. At the scary stage, not eating won't be hard anymore. Not eating will be easier than eating. And so you won't. But not eating will always feel hard to that little part of your soul that wants to live, that little part of your mind that remembers a virtuous happiness, and that little child in you that remembers the simplicity of living a life that isn't killing you. For all of the moments that anorexia allows doing nothing at all to be easy, it will be hard to live with the guilt of knowing that with every mouthful you're choosing not to take, you're unfulfilling the hopes and dreams that others are desperately holding for you. You will become lost in a world that only has room for you and anorexia.
Losing a part of yourself feels lonely. And even if your mind can't recognise this feeling, the heart will always understand the sinisterness unfolding.
At these extremities of anorexia, where nothing at all is everywhere all at once, my only desire is to reduce. At these extremities, more than a little bit will have the opposite effect and cause a spiral. At these extremeities, if I do not even toy with a medium, nothing will further degenerate. Ergo, instead of unrealistically striving for the polar opposite extremity, implementing little bits of a little bit here and there becomes the only compromise in managing to attain the medium of some sustenance.
I recognise that doing a little bit amidst nothing at all means one thing to me and something different to those who love me.
Nothing at all for me is my haven in the world. Nothing at all for them is what made them hate a life they once loved. A little bit for me is a difficulty. A little bit for them is simply, all they have left.
Many resent me for how little I manage to do these days. However, this is what I wish those many knew:
They see restrictive meals, yet I see a plate of food that would certainly be empty without them. And in truth, I know that if alone, I wouldn't even have the strength to get an empty plate from the kitchen.
Those many wish my 'a little bit' was more but the harsh truth is that 'a little bit' is already more. It is more than the reality of when I am alone, in a world void of support, presence, conversation, love and company. What many don't fathom, or perhaps what many turn a blind eye to, is the mental weakness I currently embody. I don't have a little bit of desire to be well, to eat or to survive. I have a desolate nothing at all (and I mean NOTHING with zero exaggeration) existing on a barren plain. The only time I can do a little bit is when I receive coaxing, a reminder, the feeling that I am worth at least a text or an inquisition expecting a truthful answer. But without even an attempt, I have nothing at all to latch onto to even try to muster action, to even try to listen or to even try to be honest to the best of my ability. Despite the heartache that it is to go against anorexia, just for a moment to show my love, I do a little bit, even if that little bit is simply considering an opportunity to eat.
Vica Versa, you are the only way for nothing at all to turn into a little bit. The little bit you can do for me is all and may be all I'll ever have. You don't see anorexia for what it truly is, how could you? Because whenever you are there, I've always tried for you. Just like how whenever you are here, you've always tried for me. But perhaps if you could see what nothing at all looks like for me, maybe you would do more, you would be more and you would endeavour to absolve me of my anguish more.
I believe there is always room for a little bit amidst nothing at all when you love someone. Love is all I have left. Love is my little bit. Is love your little bit, Dolls?
Kisses,
COS x
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