A (Un)Requited Love

Shopaholics, eating disorders are, tragically, misunderstood entirely. There are many misconceptions, preconceived ideas and stigmas surrounding this mental illness which I endeavour to contest. One of the biggest false truths projected by the media is that those who suffer from an eating disorder hate food. I believe this stigma to be one of the most detrimental as it induces the guilt and shame sufferers feel if they actually, find eating to be pleasurable. And I think you'll find, that most eating disorder sufferers have a requited love for food. I have been susceptible to pre, during and post-eating guilt and constant shame for having an eating disorder, yet not 'hating' food. But the time is up for me to allow an uneducated society to perpetuate the severity of my eating disorder and the time is up for me to stand by and allow it to perpetuate others' eating disorders, too. So Dolls, bottoms up!

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The reasons I struggle to eat are more about what food represents as opposed to the food itself. So, what does food represent to an eating disorder sufferer? For me, it's three things...

• FOOD REPRESENTS ENJOYMENT

All across the world, people celebrate around food. It's at every important occasion, social event and gathering. People's days are filled with anticipation, eagerness and delight as they decide what will be their lunch or dessert. It's something exciting, not terrifying. But enjoyment is what feels fear-inducing because my lack of self-worth produces a conversation in my mind where I'm led to believe that I'm unworthy of deserving or feeling enjoyment. And certainly, I don't deserve it multiple times a day. As a type of repellent to this belief, my body evokes a fear response to any situation involving food. And the foods that I do choose to manage aren't exciting... Mostly, they don't align with food enjoyment, rather, they align with calculation, restriction and method. My options are limited, allowing for my evidence of worthiness to stagnate or further decline.

• FOOD REPRESENTS A LACK OF CONTROL

For years, controlling my food intake and the types of food that are 'acceptable' to eat, provided me with a verse false sense of control that at those moments, felt like a very true sense of control. In reality, a person with an eating disorder is being controlled by their illness. Enjoyment of food, not counting calories, analysing macronutrients or not knowing how a meal was prepared, to me, equated to losing 'control'. OCD played a part in this, as I was afraid 'bad things' would happen to me if I engaged in any of these 'out of control' behaviours. Feeling like I could control food was a coping mechanism for all of the things occurring in my life that I couldn't comprehend, change or fix. I was desperate to put in the effort and see a result because no matter what I did, the outcome wasn't changing. And that felt more frightening than not eating.

• FOOD REPRESENTS HOW WE'RE EXTERNALLY PERCEIVED

Unfortunately, the society we live in encourages us to look a certain way and if we don't, we are then scrutinised with unsolicited comments and judgement. It's disgusting, wrong and vial but it doesn't change the fact that it's a fact. The aftermath of living in a society like this when one has anorexia is the prevalence of immense guilt throughout/after eating and a fear of weight maintenance/weight gain. Thereby, sufferers often go to extreme lengths to mitigate our external projection and mould our figures into something others won't focus on. Equally, we often mitigate our external projection to severe extremities that act as a cry for help. Sometimes, we want to show that we are hurting because nobody can see the harrowing internal conversation echoing against the pink walls of our brains...

All society has is their eyes.

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Dolls, I didn't name my blog COS for just any reason. I'm a Shopaholic and I confess everything nice, everything dirty and everything in between. I'm transparent, hence why I confess that I'd be lying if I didn't say the confessions I'm about to make are difficult and induce guilt. However, if I can spare a piece of myself and save a piece of my precious audience, I will do it with confidence, love and truth. Here it goes, Shopaholics...

I love food.

I used to love cooking, ordering takeaway and sharing family meals. It was a part of my childhood which is why for me, food exhibits nostalgic undertones. Sometimes, my friend who is also sick and I, will text each other and fantasize about the foods we get most excited to be forced to eat in inpatient admissions. There are so many foods I wish I could eat but there are also so many foods that I do eat and secretly, get excited to eat. Occasionally, I even love eating the food I do eat so much that the guilt isn't there at all. It's a rarity, though, Dolls. Here it goes... My thorough, no-BS list of foods I LOVE to prove that society's stigmas are BS.

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My Very, Very Thorough No-BS List

• Fish & Chips

• Hot Chips- The way I like them

• Sweet Potato Wedges - With sweet chilli sauce & cream cheese

• Giant Fish Finger - The way the hospital makes it

• Pasta

• Macaroni And Cheese

• Gnocchi - With butter and cheese

• Grilled Cheese w/ Butter- The way my biological Dad would make it

• Tuna, Soy Sauce & Avocado Pasta- The way my biological Dad would make it

• Chip Butty's- Made the way my Dad makes them

• Beef- Saussages/ Mince/ Burgers/ Tacos

• Tuna Sandwiches w/ Butter & Mayonaise- Made the way my Grandma makes them

• Tuna Curry -Made the way my Mum makes it

• Vegemite & Cheese Toastie - Made the way my Grandma and Mum make them

• Vegemite & Cheese - On literally any carb

• Smashed Avocado Toast - W/ Butter & lemon

• Smashed Avocado & Vegemite - W/ Butter on Turkish bread (not toasted!)

• Sushi- Tuna & avocado, tuna & cucumber, tuna & corn, chicken schnitzel & avocado

• Arancini

• Risotto

• Hardboiled eggs - W/ Salt & pepper

• Cheesy Omelette - Made the way my friends' Grandpa makes them

• 2 Minute Noodles - Chicken (soup drained, butter added!)

• Mamee Noodle Snack - Chicken

• Dumplings - Pork

• Beef Burgers - W/ Pickles and cheese

• Pork Buns

• Fluffy Bread Rolls - W/ Salted butter

• Cheesy Corn Chips - The one's Mum & Dad would always buy

• Chicken Schnitzel & (HOT!) Chips

• Ham & Cheese Sandwiches/Croissants - Toasted!

• American Hot Dogs - W/ Mustard and ketchup!

• Plain Cheese Pizza

• Cereal - W/ Sugar and whole milk

• Soy Milk (by the glass!) - So Go Brand

• Lemon Curd

• Peanut Butter W/ Butter - On literally anything, especially by the spoon!

• Cookies & Cream Ice-Cream

• Hokey Pokey Ice-Cream

• Sippah's

• Vanilla Milkshakes

• Cheesecake With The Extra Thick Layer Of Biscuit - Made the way my Mum makes it just for me

• Granola W/ Extra Oat Clusters

• Nutella And Butter - On soft white bread (untoasted!)

• Banana Smoothies

• Chocolate - Marvellous Creations, milk chocolate & white chocolate

• Chocolate Crackles

• Honey Jumbles

• Custard - Dairy Farmers pack or poured from the carton into a big soup bowl like when I was little

• Shortbread - Walker's Brand

• Toasted Banana Bread - W/ Butter!

• Toasted Marshmallows - Open Campfire

• Cookies - Chocolate chip & peanut butter & ANZAC

• Special Chocolate Chip Cookies - The ones my Dad would buy

• Cookie dough - raw (I don't even care if I get salmonella BECAUSE IT'S THAT GOOD!)

• Caramel Slice

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Dolls, I hope that my lengthy list of confessions allows you to feel comforted and safe. I know and understand better than anyone your deeply negative thoughts surrounding food. I feel lighter after all of my confessions and hopeful that my beautiful Dolls will be compassionate towards me, considering you understand what it feels like to have an eating disorder and how scary it is to admit that actually, I love food. I love food, Dolls, but not as much as I love you!

Kisses & Hugs (as always!),

COS xo

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