ALL AT ONCE AND NEVER AT ALL
The evocative heartache within this seven word phrase can only be truly understood by an addict. Some moments and some days, every part of you will want to recover and on others, you'll never believe you can. Once you try to recover, you'll fall at the hands of your same, tiresome habits. As you endure the journey that feels as relentless as it does rewarding, you'll find bravery within yourself that you didn't know you could find, as well as seeking sabotage in bridges you thought had burned. You'll love yourself enough to find yourself and then you'll hate yourself enough to want to die. The only thing that will remain constant will be the nature of being ill which is to want back your life all at once and never at all.
All at once. These days are poignant for me because I know that they never last. Their joy, excitement, freedom and capability is tinged with the evidence of my past, even when I hope and even sometimes believe that this time, the outcome will be different. All at once is when I feel the energy in my body so abundantly that I can dance and jump and sing. All at once is when I look forward to a fear-food, a recovery milestone, an event, a person, a moment or a meal. All at once is when I'm sick of those fucking scales: the fact that an inanimate object holds a stronger power of me and my life than a person, a word or a mind. All at once is like climbing to the top of a tree, only to find yourself looking at an entire landscape, at a height you've never seen, overlooking a valley you've never known, breathing an air so crisp that you can taste its purity as it's breathed in through your mouth, sliding beautifully, elegantly, peacefully down your throat.
Quasi is my most common state of mind. It is a constant agony deciding between two extremes. On these days I take whatever support I can get because I'm too weak to be that support for myself, yet too strong to be deceitful and dishonest. It feels painful when I'm not coaxed on these days because I feel willing to take the bait. I also feel quasi when I prepare myself to eat more but I'm dissatisfied with the scales. When I lose weight or maintain a low weight, anorexia is given an inch and it takes the mile, placing me in the headspace of never at all. But when I'm not losing weight, anorexia isn't given that inch and my healthy self has an opportunity to shine, seeking satisfaction in other forms. When I am in the mindset of all at once and then somebody tells me they're worried or that I look sick, I'm left in a quasi state. I want recovery all at once but the comment reattaches me to the mindset of never at all, leaving me to ruminate about the world that put me in the physical position being noted, glorified or applauded. Even though quasi is a consequence of my mind, it is others' words that most often, leave me here.
Never at all. I'm left feeling afraid when alone. With no other people to represent the good aspects of a meaningful life, the only two that exist are anorexia and my mentally ill self. In this scenario, finding the strength to recover feels unseizzable. Even if it's not never at all that I want recovery, it's never a mindset that I can seek all at once. All of me wanted recovery never at all on this day. I'd had such steady support on the upcoming days that when left alone, I felt I didn't even deserve to tip my toes in the water. According to my eating disorder, the tide was out and the sand bed, dry. Shame. Guilt. Dissatisfaction. Never at all did I want another outcome. Never at all could I chase a better life. Never at all do I want it when I feel hopeless. I see the pain it causes, I feel its detriment when I walk through a door and I hear the fear in the tone's of other's voices. And I wonder, will I ever be well enough for this to ease or stop. Or will I forevermore be the ghost of a girl who I never became? Never at all do I believe I'll find the strength to capture the mentality I require in my hands to then spoon-feed its exquisiteness to myself.
All at once and never at all is an accurate depiction of the battle of a life I live. Its effect plagues a picture bigger than just me... on my family, my friends, my present, my future and the world that still holds a position for me to slot into. Often I do not know what doing my best entails but it is always something I seek and something I've never ruled out. That is the light in me. That is the light in my name. That is the light of my aura.
Kisses,
COS x
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