AN ANOREXIC'S DIARY
When I founded my blog, I made a definitive choice to be exceptionally candid. After all, I did call my blog 'Confessions Of A Shopaholic'. But as you all know, the Shopaholic that I am is also battling anorexia, every minute of every hour of every day. I want to confess to you, Dolls, explicitly, entirely, my diary because when a person writes in their diary, they are depicting what is completely true for them without fear of judgement or approval. In my diary, I am not writing for anyone else but myself, except for now. It is my hope that the outcome of this will be that I provide other anorexics with a security net of relatability, yet also a refuge for carers and friends to understand more deeply. You've never seen me like this before Dolls, so please be patient and please be kind!
Monday, 6th March 2023
I had such a nice time with Jack.
I don't understand why I can't just be happy.
I felt so sad when I left... Like he's too sweet and good to have someone like me in his life. I don't want to hurt him or fuck him up by breaking it off when he gets attached.
I like how I feel around him.
Why do I always feel so sad?
* For the purpose of privacy, I've changed the names in the above entry
I often feel unworthy of my place in my relationships. I struggle a lot, to form new relationships because I view myself as destructive, 'too much' and burdensome, mainly in relation to my multiple diagnoses' of severe illnesses... Anorexia, depression & OCD. When encounters go well, it's really difficult when I can't savour it and feed off it. Often, for no reason at all, I'm left feeling sad. It's frustrating and confusing when I know that a scenario should make me happy but my brain keeps me paralysed by profound sadness, fear and contemplation. I think it's wrong to make a decision on someone else's behalf, especially because our perceptions of ourselves are often more critical than others' perceptions of us. But just because I can recognise that it's unfair, it doesn't mean I'm strong enough to not do it. And in this case, I felt so inadequate next to this beautiful person I'd met and I felt so certain that I couldn't contribute anything positive to their life that, ashamedly, I did make a decision on their behalf, removing myself entirely so that I'd never be apart of their world.
Saturday, 20th May 2023
I'm so tired.
I don't want to hear the calories, the voices telling me I'm disgusting, a failure, a disappointment.
I don't want to see the sadness in my parent's eyes.
I'm tired of being cold, sad, lost, hurt and alone.
I'm tired of being labelled as 'abnormal' and 'anorexic'.
I want to be strong and beautiful but I know that I cannot because I am in too deep.
I want this world to stop.
The noise of anorexia is incomparable. It isn't white noise because it's never, at least for me, at the back of my mind, only at the forefront. It's not a noise that comes and goes, either. Somehow, in some way it always waits, lingers, reminding you that it's there even at times when it doesn't need to. I've listened to this noise for so long that it's only in opportunities for comparison such as words of kindness or beautiful moments that I can recognise that I am in fact, living with a noise. It is in these moments, that I feel the saddest because I mourn a life that I don't have. Often, I feel jealousy towards my friends and family, resenting, imagining, desiring, and longing for the blissfulness that is a silent instance... a freedom that I wonder if I'll ever have again.
Monday, 5th June 2023
I want to hide in a little cave.
I am the immense burden I thought I was.
I either say too much or not enough.
I am the cause of financial stress, work stress and fear.
I do not evoke thoughts of ease or joy.
I am a failure.
I am a mess of a person.
I think that those who are insecure of themselves often misconstrue conversations, especially ones that involve a degree of criticism. It's very easy for me to hear 'you did this wrong' as 'you are wrong'. This segment in my diary is a typical thought process for me. Kindness is always important but when speaking to those who are mentally ill, taking further precautions to be tentative to what you say and how you say it can be fundamental to their state of mind.
The truth of my existence, life, relationships and experiences are concealed in the little notebook I write in every day. The truth is, Dolls, I’m not remarkable or bulletproof. I feel pain, I feel fear, I feel sadness. I didn’t share the profound joy that’s also written because the joyful moments of my life occur significantly less. But what is forevermore true, Dolls, is that the truth sets you free and if my honesty is the catalyst of someone else’s freedom, even in a small way, that is truly beautiful in every way.
Kisses,
COS x
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