AN OVERTHINKER'S PROPHECY
Every day, I think and think and think obsessively and purposefully to my detriment. The trouble is that I mistake my thoughts for facts. Often, I send myself spiralling without a substantial cause, resulting in being spat out on the other side heartbroken, confused, guilty, tormented and ashamed. I am left, only to discover that my interpretation was entirely misconstrued. It's as unbearable as it sounds. Instead of saying that I can't think differently, I'm taking this opportunity to discuss my thought patterns in the hope of finding that my overthought was contrary to reality. This is an attempt to alter those pathways and to hopefully inspire other overthinkers to do the same. To dissipate my worries, I will state what is my initial overthought and follow it with the combat of the speaker's facts.
A beautiful colleague of mine who had never been anything short of delightful, interested, authentic, kind-hearted and sociable was particularly distant with me one day. I asked her if she was okay or needed a break once or twice but it was brushed off. I could've trusted their dismissal if their distance was towards multiple people, however, it seemed to be solely towards me. When I got home and saw that she'd also de-friended me, I decided to text her and share my confusion. Many of my instagram followers assume that I 'promote' or 'glamorise' anorexia simply because of the fact that I live in an anorexic body. Those who follow my blog, as well as my instagram, know that in actuality, it is on the daily that I express anorexia's detriment, highlight its causes and debunk myths associated with the illness. My instagram followers have grown increasingly unkind towards me, my family and my friends over the past year. Those who don't read my blog make me out to be someone who I'm not. Her de-friending me was about her finding the strength to maintain her loving opinion towards me and decide who I was for herself, without the input of strangers. As for that day, she maintained that it was merely a bad day. The story I'd concoted myself was alarmingly contrary to her truth.
An over thinker's prophecy is the one who lets her own mind sour the ripest fruit.
My parents, better than anyone, have an extensive comprehension of how to support me. There are many things that they know I cannot ask for and so they've learnt, studied and remembered certain looks I give them, reminders to share with me, punctual timing, words of comfort and very particular phrasing that's void of triggers. My mother describes it as a mine field but I think that term implies too much unexpectedness for their profound knowledge. Maybe it was originally a mine field for them but now, I believe it's more like a map... They predict what's ahead and prepare accordingly with unwavering compassion, kindness and understanding.
It's as though, as a family, we have developed our own love language.
An example of what's unspoken is how my Dad waits with me in the kitchen if I'm preparing, even when he's finished making what he wants. I struggle so much to bring myself to eat that I need the coaxing and presence of another if I'm in the process. Rationally, I have the ability to say to myself: 'Luka, you don't need a babysitter', 'Luka, your Dad has told you to get food, you don't need him to be there, too', 'Luka, your Dad will do anything to help you eat. He would not try to take this away from you.' But I have this darkness inside my brain. It's called anorexia. But, to me, to you, anorexia is just a word and it's more than that. The smoke fills my brain until it's inescapably everywhere and all I can see is myself standing alone in a kitchen, hearing: 'Luka, your Dad hates you', 'Luka, your dad thinks you're pathetic', 'Luka, you're entirely alone and you always will be unequivocally nothing.' When I decided to tell him what my brain was telling me, he wrapped me in his arms and said: 'I would not try and test you.' Truly, my Dad went downstairs not to make things harder but simply because he thought I was ready before I was. Anorexia doesn't see the truth or worse, it does see it and despite, lies to me because it's what it does, it can & it's pleasurable to make me its inevitable fool.
I believe the term 'over-thinker' is misused in today's society in circumstances involving somewhat trivial matters. In my experience, over-thinkers are deeply insecure, uncertain of themselves and fearful of failing. The issues in which over-thinkers face are, yes, over day-to-day business but equally, over serious decision-making within friendship groups, relationships, the workplace, their interests and abilities. Over-thinkers have rigid mindsets which makes adapting to new thought patterns an almost insermountable task that can take years. Know that if you're an over thinker, I see you, I know your struggle and I recognise the suffering within an over-thinker's life because Dolls, I am one, too.
Kisses,
COS x
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