ANOREXIA LIES BUT SO DO YOU
Dolls, it is a fact that eating disorders lie to their victims but there are many factually incorrect statements, false narratives and hurtful assumptions made about eating disorders in the media and society. Victims are always having to debunk myths, explain themselves and justify their actions because the misinformation is so incredibly prevalent. I write this post on behalf of victims who are exhausted from constantly explaining and educating.
Contrary to societies beliefs, just because I have anorexia, does not mean that I hate food. I actually quite like food. Often, the experience of eating food is so overwhelming that I can't even taste the food. When this ins't the case, I enjoy it just like any other human. Throughout my eating disorder, there have been foods that were absolutley off limits because the subsequential guilt would be harrowing. Putting myself under extreme anxiety to get in my nutritional intake would be inconvenient and unecessary for both my family and I, especially when nutritional adequacy can be achieved through a diet composed of 'safe foods'. In turn, it doesn't take as long to eat and my family can support me by having my safe foods around if only fear foods are on offer. Fear foods are ever-changing and evolving. Just last year, there was a particular food that I was petrified of and currently, it's a safe food that I'm eating every day. Similarly, my favourite food is one that used to be a safe food that I would eat every day and now, I haven't eaten it in two years because I'm so afraid of it. In the particular scenarios I've shared, I've provided examples of either an extreme fear food or an extreme safe food but in reality, there is a spectrum. It goes something like: Extremely scary, somewhat scary, a little scary, neutral, manageable, mostly safe, completely safe. Most people with eating disorders eat foods everyday within the range of a little scary to completely safe and when pushed to their limits or upon finding strength, they're likely to introduce foods that are somewhat or extremely scary every now and then. Additionally, society assumes that anorexics abstain from food altogether. In reality, doing that would result in a fairly immediate death. It's biologically, an unrealistic depiction of anorexia and its rediculous that this myth still exists. Food abstinence when one has an eating disorder is more about 'saving' or 'earning' food. For example, some people will only eat safe foods for a set amount of time until they feel that they've gone long enough without a fear food to to be worthy of eating it. Anorexia is complex and it looks different for every individual who suffers from it. People with eating disorders are not aliens, we are just like you. Though, when society spreads misinformation, it alienates us and unfairly, we're forced to be isolated.
'Anorexics would rather die than gain weight'. Anorexia isn't an extreme diet. Anorexia isn't solely about weight. Anorexia is a mental illness that has physical consequences. Most of the time, the dying aspect to anorexia isn't intentional and the victim either simply doesn't care what happens to them anymore because of their low self-worth or their illness has made them hate themselves so much that they think they deserve to die. I sure as hell didn't wake up one morning and decide that 'I want to have a severe chronic illness and I'm going to make it my life's mission to die.' Overtime, my illness got so strong that by the end, I didn't mind if it killed me because I was so isolated, misunderstood, lost and depressed anyway that in some ways, I thought dying would've been less painful than living. In terms of gaining weight, there's no denying that for most people, losing weight is an integral part of the purpose and maintenance of their illness. Losing weight can serve the function of approval, praise, control and achievement. Often, it's losing the function that we'd rather die than do, as opposed to gaining weight itself. I knew a girl who once told me that she wished she could wake up and just be 20 kilograms heavier but the process of giving up her control, seeing her body change and losing the concern from those around her was a process she couldn't bear to endure. In actuality,
She didn't care about being heavier, she cared about what being heavier represented.
One of the most devastating stigmas that exists for eating disorders is that it's done for attention. I find it so shocking because even if somebody did choose to starve themselves as a cry for help, wouldn't you be thinking that something was seriously wrong, that they must be hurting inextricably and in turn, do anything you could to listen and support them? But majority of the time, eating disorder sufferers are far from being attention seekers. Most of the time, eating disorder victims want to shrink and hide so that nobody will notice them in the space where we don't believe we belong. I know I did. Unconsciously, I was internalising how I was being treated and believing what I was taught... That I didn't deserve enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction, respect or acceptance. And if I didn't deserve it, then I wouldn't give it to myself. In the little space that I took up, anorexia lived. She was a shadow of the lesson that gave me straight A's. I didn't want anybody to notice who I was because I was innately certain that my space was poison in the veins of people who were worthy. How could somebody who wanted no body to truly see them be calling out for attention? The answer, Dolls, is that they can't. It's a myth, it's wrong and it's a lie.
It can be difficult to begin discussions such as these because the subject matter has been butchered so severely that all I have left to educate on is now, fabricated with inconsistency and deception. But, Dolls, does this mean I will choose to keep my mouth shut? Never. Because the truth is important, the voices of eating disorder victims are important and open conversation is important.
Kisses,
COS x
I loved this blog post, thank you <3