Anorexia Unleashed

I will forever endeavour to unleash myself and any of my sweet Shopaholics, friends & strangers from the leash Anorexia ties around our necks. Although I was raised to be strong, resilient and fearless, Anorexia shrivels my efforts to fulfil such a destiny in every way. They say that strength is found in numbers, so I have chosen to combine the immense individual strength of the young women called Leila and Gianna with my remaining strength to present this week's hopeful Blog Post: Anorexia Unleashed.

Leila and I met at an inpatient eating disorder facility. Her aura captivated me the first time she said ‘Hello’ and since, the purest, gentlest and most supportive friendship has unravelled, being sacredly upkept through weekly correspondence. What inspires me most about Leila is her faith in me, nature, and God. Gianna and I became friends online… a delightful coincidence. I felt her soft-hearted nature through the screen, though miles apart, and continue to be inspired by her dedication to advocating for mental health & her faith. Shopaholics, cut yourself a slice of cake and brew a milky tea because this week’s Blog Post is filled with the richness that lived experience, vulnerability & advice can offer.

---

The Cause of an Eating Disorder

Shopaholics, contrary to the media's depiction of Anorexia, fear, distrust and control paired with traumatic experiences are the underlying cause of most eating disorders according to Leila. As chronic digestive issues pervaded her childhood, Leila experienced exceedingly persistent pain with no known cause. 'I just wanted, no, my mind needed answers.' Leila's inability to find the root cause of her pain resulted in her feeling a loss of control. In an attempt to alleviate her fear of the unknown and gain control over her body, she sought relief through restriction. Dolls, like Leila, my eating disorder provided clear rules to a young girl who feared unpredictability, disorganisation and imperfection. As Leila insightfully stated, these fears were paired with a traumatic experience... a series of frequent scenarios that I attempted but failed to improve leaving me feeling entirely out of control. I, too, sought relief through restriction as it provided answers, results and security. Admittedly, the media's depiction of Anorexia isn't entirely untrue. There are elements to many eating disorders that initiate or are derived from insecurity. Gianna and I shared such insecurities that detrimentally led us to compare our bodies to a specific friend. However, my body comparisons progressed, becoming incessant... girls in magazines, actresses in movies or strangers in the street. Like Gianna, when our intake reduced, followed by our weight and size, we had already dug a hole too deep to escape.

---

Too Much To Hate

I asked the women to provide three reasons they hated Anorexia, insisting that there was no pressure to respond to any question or fulfil all three reasons. No woman failed to answer the complete question indicating the destruction and suffering that coincides with eating disorders. The responses were:

1. Its manipulative, lying nature

2. It robs you of life's joy

3. Mental & physical exhaustion

1. It's controlling nature

2. It's success

3. Receiving negative comments on my body

1. The financial & emotional toll on my family

2. The rules & rigidity

3. The guilt

'It gives you false sensations of satisfaction, fulfilment and control but they are so temporary and come with guilt, shame, misery and despair.'

---

Enduring A Challenging Meal

Outsiders falsely assume that eating disorder sufferers never eat, that they exclude certain foods or that they are constantly restrictive. This is a myth. The voice of an eating disorder is like the ocean. Sometimes the waves crash loudly. At other times there's stillness.

Sometimes the waves are colossal. At other times they're insignificant.

Sometimes the waves break suddenly. At other times it's gradual.

The voice of an eating disorder does, in fact, make room for special occasions, one-offs and dining out. Sometimes, overcoming that voice can be surprisingly easy, yet at other times it takes exceptional strength. It seems all three women found success in both the gentle and firm approach.

The gentle approach involves subsiding the voice with positive visualisation. Leila likes to visualise herself having the energy to surf and socialise, Gianna likes to visualise the joy she feels after enjoying food and I like to visualise how proud I feel after completing something that brought me immense fear. The firmer approach involves confronting the voice with proof. I often find difficulty in this approach because Anorexia feels threatened - a state that urges me to restrict food. Leila begins by framing the voice as unhelpful, just a thought - not reality or the vessel to an unhappy life. Gianna uses the proof that food is a source of energy, required to reverse the mind, body & soul that became unhealthy by listening to the voice. Similarly, I focus on the negatives- the poison that seeps from a loud crash, a colossal crash, a sudden crash. I focus on how the toxins rapidly diffuse through my mind, body & soul creating a sick, lonely and broken person who cannot become fulfilled by life's exquisite beauty intertwined with moments of opportunity and delight.

---

The Guilty Aftermath

I've led my sweet Shopaholics - avid readers of COS to believe that I relish in everything social media has to offer - online shopping, TikTok content creation & Blog promotion. Leila was the first person who inspired a life that relishes in the present. Life. Nature. She abstains from using social media, an action that reflects her soul - inherently peaceful, present and gentle. Leila's abstinence allows her to overcome guilt through wholesome distractions - cuddling her sweet cat, Cleo, painting or playing her favourite card game - Crazy Eights. Through Leila’s merciful demeanour I can seek refuge from guilt. I reread our lengthy messages filled with compassion and write to her about my struggles because I know she will understand. I ask myself ‘would I speak this way to Leila?’ to shed perspective on the cruel, illogical and deceiving nature of the eating disorder. Gianna replicates the distraction and source of hope provided by Leila and mine’s friendship through her close relationship with God. She prays to Him after challenging meals as He can combat her distress, instilling her with the strength she requires to persevere.

---

The Long Journey Ahead

Dolls, do you think the journey or the destination matters more? When I reflected on this question growing up, it was the journey that was most significant to me... the kindness of locals when we were lost, the unlikely friendships formed or the notoriously inconvenient travel habits of a family member recounted with endearment for years to come. Similarly, the journey of recovering from Anorexia is fated to possess incongruencies. However, when sufferers with lived experience analyse their recovery journey, determining the tools that allowed for a dramatic shift in mindset and maintained progress, others newly embarking on their eating disorder recovery journey become better equipped to succeed. Ergo, Leila, Gianna and I have examined our years of incongruencies to search for the consistencies that could save a mind, a lost soul, a life.

1. Create A Placemat

2. Find passions

3. Create a 'dream team'

# When fight or flight mode begins motion and the noise drains from the room, all that is left on the table is your food and your overbearing thoughts, the efforts of a soothing parent or friend serve no purpose. Having a readily accessible placemat decorated with a collage of motivating quotes, family photographs or pictures representing your ambitions, is a quick tool to recompose yourself, remind yourself why you want and need to plough on and conquer negative thoughts. Scientifically, when referring to a 'dream team' in eating disorder recovery, it typically includes a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Dietician and General Practioner but it is not limited to this, nor are all always required. Leila eloquently shares her faith in humanity through the following advice:

'If you don’t have the above available, there is always hope because there is an abundance of services and people out there who DO care and can give you their service no matter what (e.g butterfly foundation, beyond blue etc.)'

1. Achieve 'fitness' healthily

2. Find compassion for yourself

3. Be open

# For a moment, Dolls, remove yourself from the situation. Then, draw on the fact that millions of people know exactly how you feel. Finally, direct the compassion you feel for them towards yourself. When this fails to prove helpful, don't force yourself to experience anguish in solitary. Express your feelings to a person in your 'dream team' for they have degrees, resources and a fundamental willingness to help.

1. Positive affirmations

2. Social media restriction

3. Oversized clothes

# Anorexia festers in comparison, Shopaholics, providing you give it an opportunity to compare. So, DON'T! Set social media restrictions with the settings on your phone, a specialised daily allowance timetable or delete certain apps altogether. Spend outings consciously focusing on nature, animals or architecture as opposed to strangers' shapes and features. Prevent self-criticism by hiding your body during trying times such as outings or eating challenging foods by wearing oversized clothes. Needless to say, it would be wonderful to accept and love your body but it's called a journey for a reason and there is no pressure to reach your destination overnight.

---

Shopaholics, you must choose life above all else. It is through choosing life that Leila, Gianna and I felt love again, experienced the goodness of a sunny day and the delight of art. I had never known a person so cruel until I knew myself. For it was me who contained a brain so blackened that she saw the world a little darker than it was. A little became a lot until all that was left was ash. But even in a world with the most ash ridden skies, midnight coloured mountains and smouldered paddocks, three burdened women found Roses to pick, Dahlia's to smell and fields of Magnolias to run in. For if you hope enough, if you believe enough, if you want it enough, you will find life again. And life will find you.

I believe in you Shopaholics. Kisses,

COS x