Beautiful, beyond.
Updated: Aug 24
Anorexia likes to make its culprits believe that it's beautiful. And in its succession, it's near impossible to stray from that belief as we're left to adhere to its beautiful standards, practices and commands. But I cannot turn a blind eye anymore to the part of me that questions anorexia's beauty when what it makes me feel towards myself are the ugliest, most hideous thoughts and feelings of being unworthy, imperfect, undeserving, unloved, unimportant, a disappointment, guilty and ashamed. Some things are beautiful beyond the type of beauty that anorexia professes it beholds, things that aren't contaminated with toxicity, pain and difficulty. I want us, Dolls, to remember a beautiful, beyond: Beyond all the moments we believe in anorexia's beauty. It doesn't have to represent any monumental sign of change, but we must remember it for love, hope, and strength.
I've felt the feelings of inadequacy from having unsupportive, judgemental, uncompassionate or non-understanding family members. Unfortunately, little kids can't choose who their family members are or how often they see them. Hence, I had to wait until I turned 18 before I made my serious decision to remove or restrict the place of several family members in my life. The current ease I face within my relationships on a day-to-day basis is unmatched to the difficulty I faced in making those decisions at the time. Currently the only people I consider to be members of my family are more loving and supportive and good and kind and giving than I will ever have words for. Their actions imprint unto me a stamp so beyond that every crevice of ink left behind is beautiful, beyond. In all of the ugly parts of life, we show up for one another, grow together and constantly try to do all of it better. Anorexia has plagued my life for so many years now and whilst at times it is just a part of my life, sometimes it gets so bad that all of my family and I feel like we're in a movie, watching life-altering, incomprehensible, grave events unfold before our eyes. But instead of watching it happen to actors, it's traumatising, scarring and impacting us. Every time it's subbed zero, my family have surrounded me with all the love they have to give, even if they're hurt at me and the situation because they know and hate that means I'm hurting too. Like they care about my hurt, I care about theirs. And I know and hate that they sure as hell don't want to be there seeing me almost die, entirely fall apart and be sickly afraid. So whilst I don't want to be strong, I chose to be, like they choose to be for me.
Even when I do, they never lose hope for me and that's exceptionally beautiful, beyond.
When my parents went on their honeymoon last year for two months, Archie, my sweet boy, my puppy, was left at home with me. I'd never lived by myself before and whilst that came with challenges of its own, those challenges were only exacerbated by the fact that I was also living with an eating disorder. Some days were harder but every day was hard: The loneliness, the independence, the physical weakness, the responsibility. In some ways, it felt complex battling anorexia whilst caring for myself and Archie. But in other ways, it felt like the most simple thing in the world because I would take one look at him and suddenly everything that felt wrong to do, felt right to do. For the first time in my life, anorexia felt wrong. So every time I looked at him, every time I heard him, every time I thought of him, I went against every one of anorexia's instincts and I found the strength to harness what was beautiful, beyond. Beauty lay in that I would have no company but him and he would have no company but me. Beauty lay in that he would get me out of bed. Beauty lay in that when anorexia felt beautiful, he was more beautiful to me than it. What could be more beautiful, beyond than saving a life? And I don't mean that I saved his... I truly believe that Archie saved mine.
The only thing that could get in between that beauty was anorexia. My parents went away again this year and I couldn't attain beautiful, beyond. Archie was in my care and beyond his life, there was me to be his beautiful guardian. But this time, I had anorexia for company, I had anorexia lying in my bed, I had anorexia to feel beautiful.
Beautiful, beyond anorexia. Not beautiful, within anorexia.
Oh no, no beautiful within it at all...
Risking lives is not beautiful.
Not being there for someone who needs you is not beautiful.
Treating someone good badly is not beautiful.
The supposedly beautiful reflection that anorexia sees in the mirror is incomparable to the black, guilty, sorry, broken, lost reflection that I see in the mirror of myself when I think of that time. Beautiful, beyond has and always will be Archie. Letting anorexia create one of my biggest regrets to date allowed me to see that the beauty of anorexia is in actuality just an unbeautiful lie.
Every day, I am experiencing fear, distress, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt as a consequence of having believed in a beautiful, within anorexia for too long. Currently, the only times I feel relief from these emotions are when I remember or engage with what is beautiful, beyond. Those are the times I feel love. Those are the times I feel hope. Those are the times I feel strength.
Kisses,
COS x
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