Everything I Wish My Parents Knew
Updated: Jun 28, 2022
For those in the land down under, this week we celebrate Mother's Day. In light of this, this week's Blog Post aims to engage the beautiful mothers in the world. I was raised by a mother who was besotted with me the moment I was conceived. For 19 years, her diligence with money, determination to succeed and endless love has been completely and entirely dedicated to me. She always knew exactly what to do, what to say, how to help until one day, she didn't. Many mothers with anorexic children experience the grief of losing their daughter whilst they're still alive... lost personalities, lost experiences and lost closeness. I think many mothers feel helpless and I think many mothers would do anything in their power to help if they knew how... I know mine would've. Although your mother deserves a beautiful arrangement of flowers, endless chocolate and freshly baked pastries on her special day, adding this Blog Post to your gift list will be a gift for you and your mother... one to cherish forevermore.
I Wish My Parents Knew... About Starvation Syndrome
When the body is deprived of sufficient nutrients for an extended period, the body begins to shut down and prioritises fundamental bodily functions such as pumping blood to your heart. The body is unable to dedicate energy to the brain, hormones, muscles, hair, skin & nails or intestines. Starvation syndrome accounts for the many physiological and psychological changes that eating disorder sufferers experience. I wish my parents knew about starvation syndrome so that they knew something was really, really wrong. For example, instead of hearing 'I'm so cold' all the time, imagine if they'd heard 'my body is shutting down because it is starved'. I wish my parents knew about starvation syndrome so that they could've been more compassionate, understanding and supportive. For example, many parents may notice an obsession with food & decreased mental clarity, amenorrhea (period loss), weakness, hair loss & pale skin or constipation/diarrhea but they respond with judgement and assumptions which only fuels the shame. As a person who has experienced starvation syndrome, the brain fog and loss of ambition amongst other symptoms left me feeling scared and confused. Looking back, I needed an abundance of love and support that I never received. My parents pinpointed my behavioural changes as a choice to become healthier, as opposed to experiencing a detrimental state of starvation.
I Wish My Parents Knew... It's Not A Choice
Perhaps at the beginning, I made choices. But even still, those choices were heavily influenced by the media, adults I trusted and society. Perhaps I made the choice to lose weight but from a young age, I had been receiving clear and consistent messaging that being smaller was better and something society praised. Millions of people born at the same time, living in the same society and receiving the same information will never go on a diet, never engage in eating disorder behaviours and never develop anorexia. However, there are millions of people who see the weight-loss advertisements, read the magazine covers, hear the family conversations and are affected by them. But nobody asks for an eating disorder.
I wish my parents knew that every time I lied about eating, every time I yelled at them for challenging me and every time I restricted that the eating disorder was punishing me in those moments as much as it was punishing them. I wish they knew that I didn't want to lie, I didn't want to scream and I didn't want to restrict. I wish they knew this because maybe they would've blamed me less and hugged me more. The eating disorder chose me. And even though it lures sufferers into thinking they want it back, deep down they've never hated anything more.
I Wish My Parents Knew... How To Support Me
Supporting a person with an eating disorder is complex because it requires a psychiatric team and a medical team. A psychiatric team can be composed of a hypnotherapist, an eating disorder trained psychologist, a psychotherapist and/or psychiatrist. A medical team can be composed of a dietician and GP often needing the additional input of a gynecologist, endocrinologist and/or gastroenterologist.
Anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects!
The final means of support is the parent. A child with an eating disorder often has low self-esteem and the longer the disorder goes unnoticed, undiscussed and untreated, the longer they're enduring pain and the more deep-rooted their low self-esteem becomes.
Show that you care by taking the sufferer to appointments: The eating disorder doesn't want the sufferer to get better. I wish my parents knew that the eating disorder doesn't want me to make appointments and attend them because it will stop at anything and anyone to avoid treatment.
Show that you care by asking 'How can I support you at mealtimes?': You can read as many books, blogs and articles as desired but when it comes to mealtime support, the only person who can guide you is the sufferer. The support required over mealtimes is incredibly personal and it's critical that they receive it. Some need distraction, others need you to finish your food before them, others need to hear 'I'm proud of you' and for others, that's the worst thing you could say.
Show that you care by not being ignorant: I've come up with the acronym to Be ICED.
B stands for BODY COMMENTS. Never comment on a person's body with an eating disorder. Whether you're trying to compliment it, tell them they look healthier or sicker or help them think it's beautiful, the eating disorder mind negatively interprets most body comments. The best thing you can do to support them is to not comment on it at all which will make the sufferer feel safe around you.
I stands for INVALIDATE. Never make a sufferer feel like their eating disorder isn't serious... the eating disorder begs them every day to get sicker and they will if you add fuel to the fire.
C stands for COMPARISON. Comparing a person with an eating disorder will always result in competition and in turn, further restriction.
E stands for ENCOURAGING ED BEHAVIOURS. Never commend a sufferer for eating healthily, having discipline or looking thin. It feeds the eating disorder and ultimately, you're encouraging their eating disorder to persevere.
D stands for DISCUSSING DIETING. The dieting industry has normalised many eating disorder behaviours. Don't add to the confusion this creates for sufferers. Discussing your diet also creates competition and comparison... more unneeded stress.
I wish my parents knew the extent of the support I required so that I didn't feel so alone. It was in the moments of guilt that I needed them to hold my hand. It was on the bad body image days that I needed to hear I was beautiful. It was every day I heard 'this is too much food' that I needed to hear it wasn't. I believe that if they'd known how to hold my hand, they would've.
Everything I Wish My Parents Knew wasn't written because my parents knew nothing and could've done so much more. It was written for the parents who feel lost, isolated and at their wits' end like my parents incessantly felt. This Blog Post isn't blaming and shaming parents... It's the education, advice and tools that could help save a life and improve the quality of another. I dedicate this post to my mother for Mother's Day. Although there were many things I wish my parents had known, my mother has wiped every tear, advocated for me in every situation and endeavoured to become more knowledgeable, understanding and helpful whenever she could. My gratitude is profound and my love is boundless. I dedicate this post, also, to every other mother who must hear: This is not your fault, you are a wonderful mother and your best will be enough.
Kisses,
COS x
Comments