I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME. I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU AT ALL.
Coco Chanel lives on through her words and her fashion, inspiring me and many others around the globe to be the most confident, dauntless and beautiful versions of themselves. Since forever, I've been a tremendously sensitive person: Easily affected by people's words, an overthinker and weary of the footprint I imprint onto others. This blog post explores how you can achieve a life that aligns with this phrase, without losing sight of the sensitive little you. I cover tools I've used, truths I've learnt and how I've experienced moments where I've been unthinkably contradictory to the Me I know.
TOOLS
Like mastering a lot of things in life, it takes gruelling, committed, practice. Self-discovery isn't an overnight process... Sometimes you will achieve but if you're like me, there will be many impasses to face. Even now, I'd say that not caring what others think about me and not thinking about them at all is a task where my failure to do so outweighs my success. I've always been particularly curious about how others feel... About me, situations and themselves. I used to be afraid to share what my opinions were in case they contradicted another's. I didn't feel sure of myself and I just wanted to be liked. After spending my youth wearing shoes that weren't entirely mine, I was ready to step onto the edge of the cliff and tell the world what it meant to be entirely, wholely, completely Luka.
One of my favourite quotes is: 'If you don't try, you'll never know' and I think it's perfectly suited to anyone facing the dilemma of struggling with confidence, care factor and communication. It's easy to not realise just how much you're conforming to others and adapting to them but once you recognise it, the person, the beautiful you, that you aren't being will eat away at you like a mouse with a chunk of cheese. There have been times when I was shut down, judged and disliked for being myself. Although that is unbelievably difficult, hurtful and uncomfortable, it feels worth it for all of the times when in being the truest version of yourself, you spark a meaningful conversation, you fall in love or you're understood. In practising being myself, each time I was deflected, it stung a little and a little and a little bit less and became a little and a little and a little bit easier to manage.
Besides practice, I began confiding my parents and asking for their input. Some things I would ask them were:
Should I confront them?
Is this behaviour acceptable or unacceptable?
Am I over/underreacting?
It's because I care what others think of me that it's so daunting to confront a person who's been unkind or immoral. I feel fear that the conversation will be sour, that I'll lose a friendship or be gossiped about. When I initially toyed with the idea of standing up for myself, I needed a lot of assistance and discussion to establish my grounds and be assured that speaking out was warranted. But over time, the more conversations I sparked, the more comfortable I grew in figuring out for myself what was right and what was wrong.
TRUTHS
These truths are my truths which is why they're in first person, but if you're anything like me (and you probably are if you're reading this post), you can apply them to your personal circumstances.
Unlike the common saying, I know that words will always inevitably hurt me. So it isn't about trying to change that truth, but rather it is about being honest with myself and others about the effect their words have on me.
It often feels equally upsetting, distressing and convoluted as it does to act as though I don't care what others think and hold the matter close to my heart. Preparing myself for this truth prevented the whiplash of facing such issues head-on.
I have to fake it until I make it. I so badly want to keep my mouth shut, stay with friends despite their toxic traits, be in relationships where the good parts are great even when the bad parts are bad and listen to the voice that tells me everything is my fault. If I wait for the perfect time to change, it never comes. This is because the right time has always existed and it was always my birthright to live a life following what is true and good and pure for Luka. I learnt that I don't owe anybody anything but I do owe it to myself to be my self.
A MOMENT
It's one thing to draw strength and inspiration from this information but I understand how difficult it can truly be to find the strength to make it applicable to your life. I wanted to include a scenario in which I chose to prioritise my needs and push away the people who jeopardised them.
To be completely transparent, Dolls, I spent all my schooling just wanting to fit in. I thought that achieving inclusion included me tolerating bad behaviour. I didn't have the confidence to tell a popular kid how I honestly felt whether it be that I didn't like them, that them making fun of me wasn't acceptable or that they were hurting me. It stopped at me. Though admittedly, I didn't have the courage and strength to stand up for myself, it was always something I mustered when it came to others. I think I could recognise the victim that was myself in other victims of bullying, torment or harassment.
I couldn't save myself, but something in me found the ability to save others.
How did I do it? How did me, a desperate overthinker, choose that I'd rather perpetrators think less of me than those I knew deserved goodness? The answer lies within my question, Dolls. It was comparativeness that ruled. I weighed up my options (mostly in the heat of the moment when I had minimal time to talk myself out of it) and I listened to the part of me that told me what was most important to me.
The extensiveness of this blog post is a testimony to the length this process has taken, the many realisations that I've uncovered, its complexity and the anguish adhering to this quote has and still does cause me. I wish for you what I wish for myself, Dolls, and that is that you get to walk through this life being completely and entirely you.
Kisses,
COS x
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