I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE YOU

Growing up, my Mum and I were best friends. Like the most beautiful friendships, we respected, forgave and adored each other. But mostly, we just had fun and went on adventures. We never called each other names, she never treated me like a child and we were never not each other's number-one fans. My Mum had strict guidelines and principles for the way we spoke to and interacted with others. The one rule that was always crystal clear was that it was unacceptable and forbidden to gossip about and belittle others. She was adamant that kindness was the key to goodness in the world and that without it, the world as we knew it would crumble apart. Naturally, many other school kids, family members and adults had adopted different principles as a result of their upbringing... Therefore, my conflicting upbringing made the commonality of gossip a very difficult, sticky and uncomfortable situation to encounter. But it's one thing to hear gossip and it's another thing to be the person who everyone's gossiping about. The most hurtful gossip I've ever experienced has ironically, been at a mental health facility. Are you ready for me to spill the goss on this goss, Dolls?... Truthfully, I don't know if I am, Shopaholics.

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The difficulty with eating disorder specialised facilities is that despite the dire circumstances, comparison is the nature of eating disorders and competition is, unfortunately, an unavoidable aspect of facilities such as this one. One of the girls describes the experience to be like an 'eating disorder Olympics' and I wholeheartedly agree with her. We all watch, monitor, judge and compare each person's amount of food, type/choice of food, weight/BMI/body, time stamp to complete one’s snack/meal or level of anxiety/fuss/fear. We want to be the 'sickest', act the 'sickest' and look the 'sickest.' There are some patients who I've been friends with or affiliated with for years now. Outside of the clinic, we're able to focus on the friendship that exists, but on the inside, it's as though they're just a pawn in our losing game. Nobody during an inpatient admission is recognised for their glowing personality, bright smiles or laughter. Every patient is sadly, distinguished by their eating disorder (type/ tricks/ severity). Each person is assessed according to the degree to which their eating disorder is perceived as threatening. I've spent countless admissions taking the time to know the other patients and be comforting and encouraging. But nine times out of ten, what begins as a beautiful sisterhood, evolves into two separate parties dissecting the other's every behaviour and competing with it. The more you know a patient, the more you know about a patient... And that will be your downfall in your personal healing process. I've learnt that it's better to turn a blind eye, hope for the best and live in a state of semi-oblivion with your blinkers on. Otherwise, the eating disorder takes the ropes and you'll be stuck in a vicious hospital cycle. Maybe it will start out as weeks, but before long, it will become years.

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I felt as though I'd been unexpectedly slapped or stabbed in the abdomen with a knife during the falling-out process that I describe. It's due to the fact that the process isn't often long. In my experience, the 'process' occurs as one friend has a sudden shift in their frame of mind... The person who was once a friendly face becomes the person who you can't even look in the eye because they're so triggering. It is painful for the person on the receiving end, the one who still views the other as their friend. I would replay every word I'd said, every sentence I spoke, every look I made or comment I proclaimed a thousand times over in my mind. With the additional layer of underlying mental health issues, I would become convinced that I was a cruel, selfish and mean person who ruined everything beautiful with my touch. Because just yesterday, they saw me and embraced me but today, they pretend that they cannot even notice me. Yes, it feels chilling. Yes, you'll blame yourself. And yes, you'll cry about it. But it's often a blessing in disguise. Because if they remained friends with you, whilst they were wanting to inhibit your every habit, action and trait, it would become so toxic that you'd wish it would be over anyway.

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It was like high school all over again, but worse. In high school, I could pin the judgement, accusations and name-calling down on the immaturity and ignorance of teenagers. But in the clinic, the patients were adults. As adults in a mental health facility, they were completely aware of how insecure and vulnerable every other patient was. Despite their awareness of the effects that hurtful words, threatening actions and plain meanness can have on the person who they perceived as threatening/triggering, multiple inpatients would give death stares, loudly name-call as they spoke about their 'concerns' and 'complaints' to the nurses and approach the individual and accuse them of being maliciously, purposely triggering or comment on, analyse and judge their body. Yes, Dolls, you heard me correctly... Eating disorder patients on an eating disorder ward were making me and others feel ashamed of their bodies, telling us that we were 'skeletal', 'inappropriate' and 'triggering'. Many people made up their minds about me before they'd gotten the chance to know me which made me feel more unsafe, outcasted, isolated and depressed than I already felt considering I was far from home (and my family and friends), forced to be eating and out of employment.

I just wanted these patients to like me but they didn’t give me the chance because they were too busy wanting to be like me (my ED).

Without even saying a word, they hated me. It was like I'd been cast in a movie that they'd already written the script for. They told me I didn't deserve help, compassion or respect. It fed into my low self-esteem, low self-worth and shame. I felt confused as to why they didn't give me a chance. I felt like an imposter throughout the rest of my treatment. Their unkindness played an instrumental role in the deterioration of my mental well-being. It opened the first page to a novel of hate, loneliness and despair. What they did to me, whether or not it was their intent, felt cruel. All I can do is hope that their cause arose without the effect that I suspect was intended.

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Shopaholics, the responses that others have to a situation aren't always going to be responses that we like. A part of life experience is recognising individuality... Not everybody will be people who like us. No doubt, it is difficult, when we want these people to like us. But what I learnt from this experience is that I wouldn't want these people to like me because that would mean I had something in common with them. Dolls, I don't want to have anything in common with people who gossip, shame, isolate, hurt and destruct! There are many blessings in disguise that we can only see later which makes the 'disguise' learning curve incredibly difficult to endure. All I can advise, Dolls, is that you hang on for the long run...I promise that what you learn will be worth it.

Kisses,

COS x

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