Impatiently Inpateint
Sweet Dolls, unfortunantly many people who experience an eating disorder find themselves in a downward spiral that bears no light and has no hope, leading to admission into hospital. It's not the case for everybody and is certainly not a defining factor in the severity of one's condition, considering that eating disorders are excruciatingly evil and devastatingly complex. However, after having lived with anorexia for many years and therefore enduring multiple admissions, I know how scary being inpatient feels. This blog post will be everything you've ever needed, setting expectations & answering your burning questions with TLC. I endeavour to be the survival guide I was never given because I felt so alone, misunderstood and judged. A Shopaholic always has another Shopaholic's back.
First things first, I'll get the elephant in the room out of the way... the food. People love to assume that anorexics throw a tantrum just by smelling food which is utterly ridiculous and a frustrating stigma. As my condition has declined, I'm often helpless, exhausted and HUNGRY by the time I arrive at the pearly gates of the hospital. I won't lie, Dolls, I do feel shame admitting that I get hungry but I'm sharing it to reduce the shame for myself and others. In a hospital, the only choice is to eat because the consequences are an extended admission, a psychiatric admission, being placed under the Mental Health Act or tube feeding. It often feels like a relief to eat the food. Removing the option of eating, in my case, often removed the guilt that anorexia implements and for a few, sweet weeks, I am protected against my own mind.
In saying that, during my first admissions and at occasional increments in later admissions, the food has been terrifying. I was faced with some food items that I'd deemed off-limits for half of a decade and suddenly, I was left with no choice but to eat them. My parents never fail to remind me upon discharge home that if I could eat certain foods in the hospital, I should be able to do it at home. But what they don't understand is that on the other side of eating those foods, it wasn't strength that overcame me and allowed me to persevere. In those moments, I was left with feelings that I hated... being out of control, having my choices stripped away, a sadness that nobody understood, unthinkable distress and panic burning inside of me. Unfortunately, I cannot make the fear go away but hopefully, it dissipates hearing that the fear is not just valid and an unbearable reality but it is not a weight that crushes just you, Dolls. It crushes me, too.
There is an abundance of staff members involved in eating disorder hospital care and it never becomes less confronting or daunting. Uneducated people burden you with the aftermath of their exceptionally triggering remarks, psychiatrists will assume the worst of you and nurses will belittle you. Common practice is to provide patients with an IPS, short for Individual Placement & Support, i.e a 'special' nurse who is with the patient for 24/7 care and monitoring. They essentially watch you to ensure that all food is eaten, the ng tube (if applicable) isn't tampered with and that no foul play occurs in the bathroom. Of course, they're also ideally supposed to be present for continuous assistance in managing distress and providing encouragement. The shifts occur in three increments of the day: morning shift (7:30-3:30), afternoon shift (3:30-10) and night shift (10-7:30). Being placed with an IPS that you don't like, who is uneducated or who is mitigated by rules rather than compassion makes the day longer and lonelier. But it is a work of God (who is a woman) when you receive an IPS like Deepa, Maria, Jodie or Jenny. These are a few names of the many guardian angels who gossipped with me, made me laugh, bent rules to see a smile on my face, genuinely listened and believed in me completely. Although it is inevitable that you'll receive a 'You're looking so well', 'That's a lot of food' or 'What are your weight loss tips?', it is the 'I believe in you', 'I see how hard you're trying' or 'Thank you for doing that' that you have to focus on, hold on to and cherish.
When the day finally comes for discharge, expectations will be high, a plan will be outlined and your emotions will be conflicting. Despite the outside world's opinions, it is your inner voice and actions from the previous weeks or months that you have to keep close, remember and listen to. It is all of the moments that you cried that you must remember because they'll remind you how much you missed home. It is all the moments that you were falsely accused that you must remember because they'll remind you how fucking relieving being trusted feels. It is the moments that you persevered through the terror that you must remember because they'll remind you to believe in yourself. People say experiences are what shape you but I believe that it's your interpretation of experiences that shape you. You have to learn from and analyse the events that unfold in your life because simply experiencing doesn't allow us to grow, change or improve. I have always gone backwards post-discharge but that doesn't make me a failure. Every time I discharge, I am capable of doing things that I couldn't do prior to admission, braver mentally and less afraid. A friend relayed to me a quote that is applicable & important: Strive for progress, not perfection. Others will expect perfection upon discharge and if you can achieve perfection, continue to reach for the stars. But likely, you will struggle to maintain, let alone improve, and I'm here to remind you that measures of improvement are your judgement to make, not anybody else's.
Shopaholics, if you're reading my blog from a hospital bed, you have to submit. You have to submit to the medical and psychological professionals because although they may not say the right things, they know how to do the only right thing which is to save your precious life. I can only hope to navigate a Doll and offer support and out the other end, you can count on me to continue confessing the dirtiest, raunchiest and most true Shopaholic goss!
Kisses,
COS x
privelidged garbage.