LOVING SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THEMSELF
Updated: Mar 28
Recently, I haven't been able to love myself at all. It's become ever so clear to me the impact my emotions have on my ability to engage healthily in my relationships. Though my illnesses belong to me, I'm learning to accept that a part of them belongs to those who love me so much that they experience my suffering as they try to take it away from me.
There is no doubt that I feel immense affection towards the people in my life whom I cherish, love and adore. What is in doubt is the capability a person who doesn't love themself has to portray their felt affection to the people they do. I grow exhausted from the words and phrases of self-hatred that consistently recycle in my mind. I grow exhausted by the effort it takes for me to convey a laugh or a smile. I grow exhausted from endeavouring to muster the bravery to display signs of extroversion when my only desire is to indulge in my introversion, hidden so that nobody on the outside can hurt me in addition to the degree I'm already hurting on the inside. To not love yourself is debilitating. The best I can liken this experience to is if a person drowning at sea, trying to keep afloat, was then expected to hold another drowning person above water. It can require so much strength to find something kind, inclusive or giving to say or do, not because you don't genuinely feel such feelings, but because when a person's dominant state is pain, it is a struggle to extend an olive branch of love.
Sharing your love in such a condition requires giving your all. So when you muster the effort to put out your best energy despite the self-doubt, fear and anguish yet are met with an unequal reciprocation of energy, it's inevitable to feel a large, gaping hole of disappointment and regret. To love someone who doesn't love themself is to love someone who expects, yearns for and desires a level of confirmation, validation and love that will likely feel excessive to provide.
To declare that you hate yourself is a grave statement. In my opinion, these words should be reserved for the people who intend it with the severity it holds. Many people use this phrase when they have a moment where they hate what they said, did or where they currently are in life. But to hopelessly hate your existence is to breathe an air that feels painful to breathe, even more so when the only reason you continue to breathe it because you love those who love you, someone who doesn't love themself. How can someone bestowing such a mindset exude the confidence that others believe they deserve respect, goodness or being held in high esteem?
It's difficult to believe others see something in you that you cannot find within yourself.
I see the worst in myself so I expect that others see it too: The ugliness, unworthiness, loneliness, emptiness, depression, obsessiveness, need for control, sensitivity, fragileness, shame, destructiveness, invisibility, outcastedness, unimportance, insignificance and inherent lack of goodness. Consequently, I notice the tiny dips in tone, the louder exhales of air and the minor signs of withdrawal. I presume irritability and frustration have nothing to do with them, yet everything to do with me: always, forever, undoubtedly. Immediately, I analyse the words and behaviours of those around me under a microscope. Of course, sometimes, I am at fault. However, my interpretation of events is often disproportional to its intent. Equally, I'm often not at fault, and I cause myself the torture of believing I am a horrible person laid on a porous foundation that holds little evidence to support my poignant, intense, brutal conclusions.
Loving someone who doesn't love themself requires an abundance of forgiveness, understanding and support. Such a relationship will be taxing for all of the times nobody can get it right. But when you truly love someone, the times when everything falls into place, harmony exists and needs are met, the beauty that it is to love will shine through every tribulation.
Kisses,
COS x
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