Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes...
It's a difficult task to recognise when a mistake's been made because often, in the midst of a mistake, it feels like the right thing to do. I am human, you are human and making mistakes are an inevitable component of that fact. Personally, I think that viewing mistakes negatively is a mistake in itself because mistakes can be beautiful. Mistakes allow us to come out of our cocoons and transform into butterflies that can spread their wings and alter their flightpaths. Making mistakes can be scary but nine times out of ten, the lessons that mistakes teach us are powerful, significant and inspiring. I used to be afraid of making mistakes and although such fear still exists, it's outweighed by an innate willingness to learn.
Acknowledging Mistakes
Shopaholics, in most aspects of my life I've made mistakes... At school, at work, in my family and friendships. I have a lot of shame engrained in me and I have difficulty hearing that I've 'done' the wrong thing because when I hear that, I feel that I 'am' the wrong thing. Part of the process of making a mistake involves accepting that we're in the wrong. We have to challenge our egos and our beliefs because it is our egos and beliefs that put us in the position of having made a mistake. We also need to acknowledge that it's more than possible to be a good person and to have done the wrong thing. Making mistakes is a part of every day life. Good people do the wrong thing every single day.
Overcoming Mistakes
Perhaps I'm a slow learner, but for me, overcoming a mistake doesn't happen overnight. My Mum often recounts the story of her teaching me about hot objects. She told me multiple times not to touch the stove but it wasn't until I stuck my fingers in the pan and went 'Ouch! Hot' that I understood what she'd been trying to tell me for all of that time. Once we've acknowledged that we've made a mistake, it requires due diligence to actively work against making the same mistake again. Whether it be staying on top of important anniversary dates, only welcoming honest and supportive friends into our life or changing a drinking pattern we've become accustomed to, we need to take the required steps to overcome a mistake time and time again. It's not an easy process and there isn't a quick fix. I think those who choose to overcome mistakes have immense courage, honesty and bravery.
I've been asked about the mistakes I've made in my life and the following is one in particular that I am battling daily.
It can be very confusing living with an eating disorder because I'm in two minds about most of my decisions. I have the desires of my eating disorder simultaneously existing with the desires of 'Luka' without an eating disorder. Often, I end up compromising on my decisions, seeking an outcome that satisfies my eating disorder and also, an outcome that aligns with reality. A hospital admission is a time when I'm forced to not compromise... Anorexia loses every battle. Throughout my initial stages of treatment, at the end of a hospital admission, I felt so depleted of the control, safety and relief that my eating disorder provided that I lost sight of the importance of finding a balance between my sick mind and my healthy mind. Physically, I was leaving hospital in better condition than when I first arrived but mentally, I left hospital more attached to my eating disorder than ever. Things would rapidly regress the moment I returned home because the scales had tilted too far for too long without anorexia's input. Control has always been such an integral aspect of my eating disorder so when I felt like all my control was being taken away from me and that I was powerless against a system, it made me worse, not better. I left hospital, spiralled and ended back in the same place I'd worked so hard to escape. I made the same mistake of repeating the same cycle for almost two years. It took me that long to recognise and accept that I was making a mistake. Although it felt wrong, out of control and uncomfortable, if I didn't leave hospital with the intent of finding a balance between the voice of my eating disorder and the voice of reason, my life would stagnate forever, or I would die. Anorexia isn't as pretty as you once thought when you're looking into one another's eyes, stark, in broad daylight. Anorexia told me that I had everything to lose, but I had to hold Luka in the palm of my hands and trust her tiny, nudging voice that said: 'I want to try'...Try and compromise with the loudest, most threatening and destructive voice I'd ever known. Overcoming mistakes is daunting because it involves three things. Firstly, it involves acceptance, secondly, it involves change and finally, it involves consistency. Once I accepted that I'd been making a mistake, I had to alter my every day patterns and repeat the same patterns indefinitely. From the second my eyes open to the second they close, I battle against two minds that live in the same body. I wish I could tell you that it's not as bad as it sounds or as difficult as it seems but most of the time, the mistakes we make aren't intentional, so intentionally doing something different to what we once thought to be right, is incredibly hard. It is, however, rewarding to prove to yourself every day that you're worthy of and capable of living a life beyond your mistakes. I am proud of the efforts I've made because when I first embarked on this journey, I was walking into a fog, uncertain about whether or not the path I was choosing to take was the right one.
I wish mistakes weren't such an integral part of human nature because making mistakes is undeniably confronting and uncomfortable. But nobody deserves to feel shame for committing a natural act. Mistakes should be viewed as an expected action. And if we can accept mistakes for what they truly are then maybe, just maybe, we can all become the beautiful butterflies that we were always destined to become.
Kisses,
COS x
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