NEVER HAVE I EVER
I have had an ongoing eating disorder for many years. Throughout this time I have often thought to myself that I will never be able to overcome some of the many rules and rituals the eating disorder has laid out for me. Although the fact that I've had an eating disorder has never changed, the way it's manifested has. Every form it has taken has proven to be debilitating, however, as time has passed, so have the intensity of certain behaviours. Currently, there are things I'm doing that if you'd asked me even just one year ago, I'd be sure my future self would've said 'Never have I ever'. But instead, I'm here to tell you, Dolls, I have.
At fifteen, I became vegan and it lasted for three consecutive years. The main reason I stopped was not due to a choice but because I had my first involuntary admission to a hospital ward. My tube feeds and oral meal plan were, for obvious reasons(I hope!), not vegan-friendly. During those three years, I'd become completely brainwashed by social media into thinking veganism was something that I, Luka wanted instead of coming to terms with the truth that I chose veganism because it acted as a societally acceptable way to live with anorexia.
'Do you want to share my Chocolate?' 'No, thank you, I'm vegan.'
'Do you want to go out for dinner?' 'No, thank you, I'm vegan.'
'Do you want me to cook you a meal?' 'No, thank you, I'm vegan.'
Though I have spent a lot of my life restricting, I never felt as malnourished as I did when I was restricting as a vegan, even when calorically, I was eating more. In those three years, I don't remember a single time when I truly felt full or satisfied. Although I am discussing fulfilment and satisfaction physically, sadly, it was in an emotional sense too.
An honest note from me to you:
Dolls, I avoid discussing specific measures involving eating disorders on my blog because I fear my recovery-focused content will get tied up with the wrong audience. But I have decided to share this because I believe that if I'd known this lived-experience truth sooner, it would've accelerated me to the point of recovery I've currently reached, enlightened me and offered me strength. So, here it is, Dolls...
Absolutely nothing happened to my weight when I stopped being vegan, reintroduced fear foods and began eating both consistently. Food is food. And despite what the media and your eating disorder will tell you, a calorie is a calorie.
Never had I ever believed that it was acceptable to eat at any time of the day. At first, it was an OCD-based rule... It wasn't about how much food was consumed but about the feeling of discomfort if the timing wasn't 'perfect'. As it progressed into an anorexia-based rule it was about restricting how often I was allowed to eat and what type of food was allowed at certain times of day. This was at the earliest stages of my eating disorder. It certainly wasn't overnight that I transformed into being able to eat any time of day. I wish I had a quick fix and a one-answer solution but for me, I needed to reach my wittsend on multiple occasions to feel as though I'd served my years of being a slave. Don't expect that everything will suddenly be completely okay because when you go from having any strong thought pattern for a long period of time, it's very difficult to challenge and then change it. I needed support to do it. There were still times in the day that my family and I ate together. This helped me immensely. If, for example, I felt guilty about having breakfast food at lunchtime, having a sit-down dinner prevented the eating disorder from seizing a chance to restrict dinner because of its guilt. I'm so relieved and proud of myself for overcoming these rules. I hated them. I love being able to say 'yes' spontaneously. I love being able to eat whatever food group I want at any time. And I love the additional opportunity for normality and freedom in my life.
Never had I ever not been able to eat in front of people. I wouldn't have batted an eye. It was simple. Restrictive eating disorders often cause a sufferer to be ritualistic with their food and that, intertwined with my OCD was the case for me. This means that if I'm going to eat it has to absolutely fulfil my definition of 'perfect'. Before my first hospital admission, I explained to my parents how they could go to the kitchen any time of day and not have to think twice about that decision, prior to, during or afterwards. But on the rare occasion that I found the strength to go to the kitchen for food, I was so malnourished that I couldn't reach for the food if someone else came in whilst I was. This was where the development of my fear initiated. It progressed into something bigger upon my first admission. I became so fearful of my parents seeing the oral plan I was on because back of three reasons. I thought my parents were judging me the same way anorexia was. I thought if my parents didn't know my meal plan, I wouldn't be expected to eat at home what I was eating at the hospital. Considering I knew I wanted to come home and restrict myself, I thought their disappointment in me carrying out this act would be less if they didn't know what the nutritional intake guidelines were for an anorexic. These fears prevented me from accepting and receiving the support I knew they could've offered me with their presence. I was in agony during these admissions, sometimes feeling petrified just looking at the food. When I'm not managing a meal now, my parents coax and encourage me, tell me they're so proud of me and sometimes even help me pick up my cutlery to overcome the difficulty of the initial bite. After years of the fear of eating in front of others has unfolded, I've thankfully begun to come out the other side. What does it look like? I have the beautiful and relieving gift of finding the strength to accept help from my Mum and Dad. Anorexia 'allows' me to prepare food, discuss food and eat food in their presence. But unfortunately, what it allows me to do stops there. Nobody else is safe. Considering how 'perfect' everything has to be for me to bring myself to eat, it's too risky for my mental and physical health to potentially jeopardise that perfect moment upon hearing a triggering comment or seeing a judgmental look. I fear that other people harbour the same critique of anorexia. It's hard enough to combat anorexia's voice of 'You're eating too much', 'This is unhealthy', and 'You will gain weight' without believing that somebody else is thinking these thoughts too. If I'm in solitude, I can focus on tackling anorexia and anorexia alone.
'Never have I ever' has now become 'I have'. And, Dolls, that's something I never thought I'd say. I know you've got this. And had my day come again, I'd hope that somebody could hold this belief for me like I can hold it for you.
Kisses,
COS x
Comments