PLANET ANOREXIA

Space is a dangerous and unpredictable terrain with the possibility of fatal collisions, the presence of extreme gravitational and nuclear forces & the inevitability of unpredictability. It appears that the only difference between outer space and Planet Anorexia is having the power to control change and prevent or reverse the effect of destruction.

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Whilst many theories exist as to how the universe emerged, all evidence confirms that once Planet Luka had followed its trajectory for nine years, Planet Anorexia began its orbit. Initially, the receptors in my mind were resilient and Planet Anorexia's effect was minimal. The origin of Luka in Italian translates to light in English. And like the night sky, my Planet lit the runway for all of the galaxies. I illuminated others' lives with my innocence, hope and joy. But most importantly, I was the source of light for my Planet. I was a capable person who sought pleasure in all aspects of her life including personal hygiene, celebrating milestones over delicious food & maintaining healthy relationships. But it wasn't long before Planet Anorexia's gravitational pull was so significant that the gravity of my Planet had been consumed. And in turn, my essence had become a variable star... My shine was ever changing and it was only as bright as my name allowed for. In any event, punishing myself was once deemed as an unforgivable act but with time, punishment seeped into my life like air. I punished myself through deprivation, compensation and perishment. What once was a Planet abundant with life, warmed by the sun & relishing in luscious valleys blooming with peonies and lavender had been exterminated by dark matter, hateful pollution and depression. I had been captured by an infestation of deception. Planet Anorexia was, in fact, not a Planet at all but rather a black hole. Black holes can be described as a mass so concentrated that it doesn't allow even the brightest of lights to escape after it's been swallowed. And it had swallowed Planet Luka and all of the light she generated.

Although Astronomers discovered that black holes exist, the absence of light doesn't allow the human eye to see a black hole meaning they can only study how surrounding matter is affected. Similarly, those who encountered Planet Luka, like my family and friends, couldn't see an innately black gaping hole. Rather, they saw the colossal damage in my mind and body. It deeply disturbs me that it is at what seems to be an irrevocable point of damage when treatment teams begin a thorough assessment that excludes judgement, invalidation and flippancy. My disturbance transpires from times when my desperation for help was immense, yet people I trusted told me I looked fine and ignored my cries. This led me to grow bitter and untrusting. I feel apprehensive about places that should feel safe like hospitals. I feel wary of telling new people about Planet Anorexia. I feel distressed about weight gain for if my body changes, what if everybody forgets that I am sick?

Space is loud with its silence. It's painfully beautiful to think we are inextricably connected to such silence. Unfortunately, silence breeds secrets, darkness and shame. It is in silence that we withdraw.

People think withdrawal happens as one is purifying their system of drugs. But what they don't tell you is that you begin withdrawal long before... when you are using every day. My eyes would cloud over like clockwork, my brain succumbed to tragedy and all that was left in those moments was a frightened young girl. That shell of a girl is what withdrew. Her fear prevailed over her desire to be present and person by person, moment by moment, experience by experience her withdrawal became increasingly apparent. Perhaps if space was filled with echoes, vibration and reverberation Planet Luka wouldn't have been susceptible to such a lonely and disconnected orbit, separated from other milky ways and immersed in the darkness of a black hole. The hopeless part of me feels as though Planet Luka has become simply debris... That the remains of a girl who sparkled, danced and sung are now broken particles that roam space aimlessly until something intercepts its path.

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Luckily, I bear a hopeful side... one that sees the universe as a vast space containing unlimited grounds for new knowledge, formations and orbits. I find hope in Planet 55 Cancri e- a Planet composed of diamonds. I find hope in a solar system that is 4.5 billion years old. I find hope in the way all of the stars are intrinsically brighter than our sun. I find hope because, without hope, I have nothing. If I don't hope that Scientists will uncover ground-breaking discoveries on black holes then how can I hope Planet Luka will be free one day? Free to wander the universe, not bound by fear. If I don't hope then how can I hope Planet Anorexia will be understood? If scientists can understand a force so powerful, dynamic and turbulent then perhaps they will know how to dismantle it. It is on the days when Planet Luka feels foreign and all I can feel is the vacuum of Planet Anorexia sucking me in more and more vigorously that I must fight against the suction the most. I must search for strength in places I haven't looked before. I must ignore the agony of my conscious mind. I must face what I am most fearful of. I have hope for I have dreams. I have dreams of a limitless life. I dream of warmth. I dream of success. I dream of aiding those in need. I dream of music, life & love. For a life without dreams seems wasteful, dull & despondent. There is beauty in hope & dreams but there is no beauty in a dead star.

For those of you whose Planets were taken by Planet Anorexia, Firstly, I love you. Secondly, I am here for you. Finally, I hold hope for you. I will support you if you choose to confide in me through the COS Blog. Otherwise, the following resources specialising in Anorexia Nervosa or other Eating Disorders are available for you to access. Please seek help before it is too late. No matter what your mind tells you, your suffering is valid.

• National Eating Disorders Association

• Butterfly Foundation

• Lifeline Suicide Prevention

• Byte