SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW...
A rainbow is a beautiful analogy for recovery. Like a rainbow, the colours of recovery can be definite and clear on some days and on others they can surprise you, melting into different shades. Equally, the pot of gold that appears at the end isn't the same pot of gold for everyone. The journey from A to B isn't set in stone, either... For some it may take days and for others it may take a lifetime. I often think about somewhere over the rainbow, imagining and hoping for my golden, recovered life. And this Blog Post is what I yearn for, envision & dream of, somewhere over the rainbow...
Although anorexia is a mental illness, it's one of the few that as a result of one's mentality, a physical declination becomes incredibly apparent. This isn't to disregard the seriousness of the mental illness for those who never suffer physically, because many people do not lose their period, experience hair loss, have lowered heart rates or blood pressures etc. Pretty much every name in the book for the physical consequences of anorexia, I've endured. And at first, I found it terrifying, then it became normal, and now, the part of my mind that is unwell, almost loves it when I deteriorate physically because it's proof that I am 'sick enough'. But the part of me that dreams of somewhere over the rainbow, finds strength and independence in not just walking up a hill, but skipping up it, dancing all night without feeling like I'm going to pass out and not needing to drink litres of water to feel any form of hydration. The part of me that dream of somewhere over the rainbow doesn't need and thrive of the validation from others that I am 'sick enough'. The healthy part of me wants to walk through life with a healthy body and a healthy mind. I wish less of me was anorexia so that I could want that more. Because the more I live in a world wherever on the rainbow I am now, the more I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of anorexia's lies where the colours of others words burn me to the bones at my core until my world is completely colourless and entirely confusing, hopeless and diseased.
I miss the days when my bad habits were spelling words wrong and forgetting to wash my hands. Although it is the hearts of those around me breaking as they watch me engage in my bad habits over and over again, my heart breaks too. My bad habits of nowadays are interlaced with immense shame and embarrassment. I don't think it's possible to get to the end of a rainbow if you aren't willing to expose all of your colours... So, in light of this, if I'm exposing all of my bad habits, I engage in laxative abuse, self-harm, starvation, self-hatred and purging. My therapist tells me that being recovered isn't about not having the urges to engage in these habits at all, but to have the urges and despite them, to make a decision to not engage.
But call me crazy, Dolls, if I'm going to dream of somewhere over the rainbow, I'm going to dream big.
For me, the urges make me feel as bad as engaging in the urge, as I am still living and breathing the air that makes me hate myself enough to think and feel that the habit is what I deserve. My recovered life doesn't settle for second best... no... my rainbow just lets Luka shine without a bad habit ever existing as an urge, a thought, a want or a need.
My life has become centred around minimising my fear. But the thing that keeps my life fearless is the thing that brings most people's lives to life... Energy, joy and freedom are just a few of the things that food provides others with. When I push myself through my fear of eating, it's incredibly uncomfortable, stressful and difficult. And it's always like this...
Even when it's easier, it's never just easy.
Sometimes I'll have a meal that I've had so many times that it's not as scary. And sometimes I have moments where I feel incredibly fearful throughout but afterwards, I'm able to also feel a sense of accomplishment. But I cannot recall just one single day where fear hasn't been an integral component of the world I know. I long for the world where feeling the fear equals bravery. I long for the world where the fear is a feeling I've forgotten how to feel. Somewhere over the rainbow, gold is my life, gold is my emotions, gold is my voice.
Since I was a little girl, I found spontaneity to be more foreign than it was familiar. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy spontaneity after the fact, but prior and in the moment, I tried to straddle and contain it, because without doing that, I couldn't begin to partake in it. Spontaneity's ambiguity caused me to feel like I was losing control, something I've always needed. Somewhere along the way, spontaneity stopped being something that made me uncomfortable and it became something I feared so much so that I shut it out of my life in every way I knew how to. This meant I spent a lot of time by myself, a lot of time planning and not a lot of time joining in, celebrating and living. Somewhere over the rainbow, I'm brave enough and willing enough to let spontaneity be a part of my world. I find it thrilling and desirable to say 'yes' to things, to going new places, to letting time pass by, to allowing unexpected turns of events to unfold before me and to becoming the version of myself I didn't know I was meant to become. I may feel the fear but somewhere over the rainbow, it's a fear I want to feel.
Shopaholics, somewhere over the rainbow is a beautiful place to be but if you're like me and can't be over the rainbow right now, have patience and compassion towards yourself because that's the second best place to be.
All my love,
COS x
Commentaires