Stick and stones don't break my bones, it's your words that forever hurt me.

For people with eating disorders, words don't just fade after a bruise, they bleed eternally. Since being diagnosed with anorexia, I can honestly say that on many occasions, people's words have hurt me incredibly more than sticks, stones and anorexia ever have. If you don't have an eating disorder or if you don't know a loved one who has one, you likely have no idea the power certain words and phrases hold. What you may believe to be comforting could be the very thing that is destroying. Did you know a single word can break us? Did you know a single sentence can starve us? Did you know a fleeting comment can be the pivotal point of relapse? Whilst I do not believe it is fair to restrict people's freedom of speech, I don't think it's fair to expect severely mentally ill people to be forced to cope with the continual aftermath of ignorant comments, not when they're easily avoidable with fairly basic understanding, education and consideration. So that's what you have me for, Dolls, to voice the needs you need met, but that you needn't know how to ask or are sick of asking for.

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Glamorising and encouraging weight loss to a person with anorexia is like telling an alcoholic how fun it is to get wasted, is like telling a coke addict how their favourite pastime is snorting, is like bragging to a disabled person about how much they love running. The way it lands in the receiver's heart will undoubtedly, always, be berating, poignant and sickly. It is wrong on so many levels but to name a few, I would say levels of empathy, common sense and humility. Praising weight loss has become more prevalent since the development of the billion-dollar dieting industry. In this sense, I think there lies some accountability for people with eating disorders to understand that comments are often made by people who are also victims of this newfound societal culture. Whilst it doesn't mean the comments are acceptable, we cannot expect everyone to mitigate their speech to prevent personal distress. I think it's at this point that it's up to sufferers to develop a barrier and learn to overcome triggers... to an extent. And the extent lies within the realms of people who know and adore you, those who know everything you've gone and are going through. At this point, the accountability scale tips to the weight of our loved ones' consciousnes and mindfulness. So what are the words that forever hurt? And what is their true cost?

You mustn't forget that the audience you are speaking to is extremely sensitive in that they're prone to craving any validation or excuse to maintain, increase or revisit sickness. Professing to someone so unwell in a glorifying way 'You've lost so much weight!', 'Being skinny is so much better.', 'How do I look like you?', 'You look better now!' or 'What do you eat?' reinforces that weight loss and being thinner makes a person's worth greater. Keep in mind that if an eating disorder is raging to the point where it's begun wreaking physical havoc on the body then weight gain, the antithesis of what is being praised, could quite literally be the one thing that saves their life. So I'm not mucking about when I state clearly that such comments are unacceptable, causing the equal damage of giving a heroin addict a needle and coaxing them to shoot up. And the comment won't have a one-off consequence. It will be a chain effect of unravelling and derailing until there's nothing left of the person. Will you stop then? At their grave? Will it be then that you finally hold back? Will you look at their closed eyes and still commend what has killed the person you love?

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• 'Healthy'

• 'More meat on your bones'

• 'Fuller'

• 'Thicker'

• 'Put on weight'

These are some of the phrases that many people view as fleeting comments as opposed to destructive ones that withold exceptional meaning, power, torment, fear, melancholy and anguish.

People with anorexia want to be sick and whilst yes, that is sick, anorexic people are sick... extremely. That truth is never less true, if anything it will be more. Any illness is not the same for all and in the case of the illness anorexia, the outliers lie within the few who don't enjoy/desire appearing sick.

However, I know for certain that these people are outliers and it's critical to assume that the person you know with anorexia does have that part of their brain that has an immense fixation with looking as disgustingly thin as possible. It is with this knowledge that we approach the topic of recovery. Whether recovery is a choice or forced, the person with anorexia is fighting a battle with their body you cannot even begin to imagine. All day, every day, they will hear streams of incessant berating phrases such as 'You are disgusting.', 'You have no worth when you look healthy.', 'It is better to be dead than to look the way you do.' Spending time questioning the rationale behind this is a waste of time for both suffers and their lovers. Because, did you know your confusion is no less than the confusion we face ourselves? We don't understand why our heads are so afraid of the premise of good health, which often entails shame. So the way to pass time is not to discover rationale, but rather, to merely remain silent. And if you care about the one you love, this pastime should not be a difficult task. And if it is, ask yourself why it is that you feel it's acceptable to comment on any person's body. Isn't our internal chatter cruel enough? Isn't how we perceive our bodies ourselves cruel enough without your added perception? If you had this internal chatter, do you think you could cope with an external variable that added fuel to this fire or would it shatter you across the ground? Did you know that the comments above equate to these external variables? Myself and so many other people like myself who suffer from eating disorders don't doubt for a second that you would understand the weight your comments hold. Oh, no. We know you love us and we know you mean well. And if I didn't know that, I wouldn't bother with this post because I've learnt that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I've also learnt that the people who truly love you would give anything to take your pain away. So if that is you, a person loving an anorexic, I will outline the reality as clear as glass:

A single comment with seemingly good intentions can fatally, be what it takes for somebody to relapse. 

The worst relapse of my life was caused by a single comment made by a loved one. And it is because of that that I am so passionate about spreading awareness to loved ones of the true damage a phrase can cause. I do not say this to inflict blame upon who said this because I know that if this person knew the true effect their words had on me, they would want to go back in time and unsay it because it spiralled into what is now, a potential irreversible case of anorexia. They loved me and unknowledgeably, they said the single most destructive thing that has been said to me to date. And would I ever tell them this? Of course not. They will never know because in the way that I would never want to hurt my loved one, I would hope that you would never want to hurt yours. And trust me, if you say a phrase along these lines, I can say with certainty that you will.

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This topic is incredibly complex because whilst one reality exists so does another. There is the reality of the person suffering from anorexia: Their vulnerabile state and their pain. And there is the reality of the person who is making hurtful comments: Their intent is not ill and their speech is one of their freedoms. But what happens when these two realities coexist is the potential for a world where one day, the person you know will be someone you knew. It is grim, unspeakably grim, but if the gravity of this double reality is not stressed, I'm afraid another life is waiting to be lost.

Kisses,

COS x