Strong-er
Luka is a strong girl. Luka stands up to bullies, puts her hand up, does things that scare her. I forget about this Luka because overtime, my illness has left me weak, physically, emotionally, but not always, not ever entirely. The little part of me that remains strong despite, has been deteriorating bit by bit, day by day because I'm currently in a position that requires me to be there for me which is more than I can. As I continue to live, I'm discovering that sometimes the true strength doesn't lie within being strong but just being that little bit more strong. To find strength when you feel your strength is already lacking can feel impossible. But being strong-er hasn't been impossible. This post is dedicated to every time I had to be stronger, highlighting to myself and others possibility and hope for every moment that you believe there is none.
I remember the moment, although it's the feeling that I remember more. It had been a good week. I'd been undeniably strong up until everything I'd pieced together slipped through the cracks like butter. I'd been so fixated on doing strong perfectly that one imperfect instance acted as destructively and ruthlessly as wildfire. The world around me, then and now, became nothing but a fabrication of my memory. I didn't see a way out. Its pain has lasted, its devastation has lingered, its purpose has fulfilled. And I know that attempting to be strong, perfectly, again is unquestionably impossible and not being strong, perfectly is equally fatal. It's more important than ever for me to seek the strong-er version of me, never mind how painstakingly difficult this task seems. What does strong-er look like, then, for me? I've put on my big girl boots, Dolls, I've gotten out of bed, I haven't opened the blinds or had breakfast but I've walked my dog, put on the washing and had my one of two coffees. And little by little, I can see hope dawning, fractionally, on the horizon.
In the initial stages of dating somebody, you're doing nothing but learning... Each other's boundaries, each other's interests and each other's personalities. And in the past, I've found myself afraid of expressing my individuality and instead, saying and doing things that I think they'll want and like. Recently, I conveyed directly and indirectly that it wasn't acceptable to me to be so casual that we went days or weeks without touching in with each other. I like talking and texting and meeting and in the process of saying this, I also learnt, for my own knowledge, that disengagement is a dealbreaker. For most of my life, it's felt more comfortable being similar to others, so it's been nonetheless daunting, walking in shoes I've made for myself. But somewhat equally, it's also been exciting to watch myself not only being myself, but seeing how the people around me actually really like me for the me that I'm becoming.
Admittedly, Dolls, strong-er is often a place I am not. In fact, sometime's I'm so not strong-er that I'm not strong at all and I find myself crippled beneath the weight of the illnesses that plague me surely, truly, wholly time and time again until I'm so tired that I'm not even spared the energy to cry. At my weakest points - the sickness I feel in my stomach as I lose the world around me, the desperation laced within my inner child where I feel the hunger in my stomach yet hear anorexia in my mind or the disgust I have of myself, when I'd instead, give my shoulder to a friend - I feel the most hopeless, alone and utterly afraid. I live with feelings as sinister as these regularly and consistently, feelings that some people may only experience a handful of times in their entire life and Dolls, that must make me strong-er than most may ever have to be. I don't mean this to in any way sound like a competition... I mean, who would want it to be? The prize of multiple debilitating mental illnesses isn't exactly the most alluring prize. No... My observation is only an opportunity of perspective for those who live a life like mine and to give a second of recognition and praise for the sweet girl you ride the school bus with who cuts her thighs every morning before school, for the quiet boy who doesn't sit with anybody at lunch so nobody notices that he goes to the bathroom and purges his food or your happy boss, who suffers in silence from severe depression, who only manages to leave his bed to come to work. Every time you feel no strength, remember this...
Your weakness is a weakness that another cannot imagine having the strength to have.
To function and live in our society is to require a strength that so often feels unattainable. If I can surprise myself, Dolls, I know that you can. But I want you to know that if you feel like your world is falling apart more often than not, it is my honest confession to you that the only world I know is one that falls apart.
Kisses,
COS x
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