SUNSHINE ON A RAINY DAY
Updated: Apr 5
Rain, rain, rain, you're everywhere at the moment. You're sinking my heart and soul with your water. Though it's light, it feels heavy when it falls upon my skin. It glues my feet in one place, ties a chain around my neck and ties my freedom up, wrapping it into a bow. In the moment, I struggle to remember what all of my reasons to fight are. And at this moment, I can't see the sunshine anymore. So for me and you, these are my reasons to keep chasing sunshine, even when it's so dark I've forgotten what a ray of sun feels like against my frozen, desperate skin.
Hearing 'I love you'.
Giving/ receiving gifts.
Being surprised.
Having a shower at the beginning of the day.
Having a crush on somebody/ somebody having a crush on you.
Having a good night's sleep.
The moment after you dive into the ocean, come up for air and then feel as though all of your troubles have been washed away.
Experiencing success.
Having someone confide in you.
Just having a really good fucking day.
Looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of yourself and thinking 'I look really pretty'.
Feeling free.
Mum.
Dad.
Waking up on your birthday.
The realisation that you experienced happiness again when you felt as though your depression would never end.
Having your dog be so happy to see you that you feel like the most loved & special person in the world.
Receiving the kind of hug that makes you feel like you need to cry because you didn't realise how much you needed one.
Seeing someone's face light up when they see you when you didn't realise before that moment how much they liked/loved you.
Having someone gently play with and stroke your hair.
When I'm in a relapse or a depressive episode, I lose the strength to dream of a future. I become entangled in the rigidity of my many rituals, rules and illnesses. For every Doll reading this who has the misfortune of knowing and understanding this little life of mine, I share your feeling that no matter what, the sunshine will not find its way into this rainy day of yours. These words I've written do not stem from me. You see, I've noticed that when I am candid with others during these times, people always have something uplifting, positive and hopeful to say. It is this truth that my words stem from. Because it is exceptionally beautiful to me that everybody's most comfortable state to resort to is sunshine.
Kisses,
COS x
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