The Conversations Best Left Unsaid

Shopaholics, I believe that the power words hold is a beautiful component of the human experience. However ,when formed carelessly, the fallout from their damage can be monumental and deeply grave. A slip of the tongue has started wars, a slip of the tongue has murdered, a slip of the tongue has had hearts broken. It would be foolish not to recognise that words plays a significant role in the development and maintenance of eating disorders. It is with the hope of treating and diluting the prevalence of eating disorders that I share intel into the exact conversations that when said, can cause incredible destruction.

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I dreamt of my future as a child and relished in the possibility, the magicalness of it all. To be living in the present of that future feels shocking because it was never what I wanted to be written in my stars. On my good days I feel like a burden and on the bad, a worthless disappointment. I am my worst, most meticulous, brutal critic and there isn't a word I haven't called myself, a choice I've thought wasn't mine to make or a position I felt I didn't deserve. I've thought it all, seen it all, heard it all. But when you say the words I've thought, it's like pouring a pound of salt onto an open wound. It hurts me in an inextricably betraying fashion because for me, when I think these things, I hold the tiniest hope that I'm mistaken and have made a mistake in my judgement. But when an external voice speaks the words of my internal one, it holds that tiny hope in its hands, scrunches it angrily in its fists and crushes it into a million little pieces. I think one of the most devastating misconceptions about eating disorders is that they're a weight disorder. Eating disorders may affect our weight as a secondary effect but primarily, the fatality of it all wreaks its havoc in our mind, not our bodies. When you comment on a sufferers weight fluctuation, no matter your intent, I know for certain that the outcome will be detrimental. I am leaving you with a thorough explanation as to why.

A comment on the decrease in a person's weight

(EG: 'You look amazing, have you lost weight?' OR 'You're so skinny now!')

Most commonly, comments made on the decrease in a person's weight are intended as a positive compliment considering that our present day society applauds weight loss. If a person's lost weight due to an eating disorder, it's usually driven by voices that are saying things like 'You aren't worthy enough to eat', 'you're greedy for eating food' or 'you're too big to deserve a meal'. There is a never-ending, relentless bully in their mind, convincing them that a critical component of human survival is a component that they're too unimportant to access. They are starving themselves, hurting themselves, degrading themselves and when you comment on their weight declination, the reality is that you are encouraging and congratulating them on their self-harm. Their weight loss is usually intentional and such comments fuel their desire to starve themselves. Not engaging in this type of conversation could be the make or break of a person's recovery so on behalf of everyone with an eating disorder, please leave this conversation as a conversation that's unsaid.

A comment on the maintenance of a person's weight

(EG: 'Do you have any diet tips?', OR 'What do you do to keep your body so perfect?', 'You're looking good!'

Dolls, we never truly know what the people around us are going through and as we know, appearances can be deceiving. I've been in the depths of anorexia but have been told that I look 'fine' and 'perfect'. Perhaps these comments don't appear 'wrong' on the surface but telling someone that nothing 'looks' wrong when an individual feels like the world around them is crumbling apart is a very invalidating, presumptuous thing to say. I think that as a society, if we moved away from appearance-based comments and simply asked how people were doing internally, we could not only create a less toxic society but we could potentially save lives. Additionally, when my body has been labelled as 'perfect', it's also often been starved to look that way. Being told that the body I achieved through starvation was a beautiful one fuelled the demons in my mind, giving me a reason to continue listening to those demons. When you comment on the maintenance of a person's body, you could potentially be a maintaining factor in their state of distress, melancholy and struggle.

A comment on the increase in a person's weight

(EG: 'Nice to see you with a bit of meat on your bones!' OR 'You look so much healthier now!'

It is true that with many eating disorders, there isn't a desire to lose weight. For example, those with BED (Binge Eating Disorder) may gain weight as a result of their disorder and those with ARFID may never have difficulty with their weight/shape perception at all. Therefore, this is specific to those whose eating disorders have a component where losing weight fulfils a need. This group of people will either gain weight because they're actively choosing recovery or because their weight loss has led to medical instability and the re-feeding process has been required at the hospital. However weight gain occurs, if someone has spent their days trying to lose weight and suddenly is forced not just to stop losing, but gaining, they will be feeling entirely out of control, powerless and immensely distressed.

• Choosing recovery weight gain:

After months or years of living with an eating disorder, a sufferer has found the inextricable strength to discontinue allowing their eating disorder to rule their decision making. After experiencing the hell that comes with long-term food deprivation, a person has been eating regularly, going out to restaurants and eating fear foods. As a result of their mental improvement, their weight will increase and although they may want recovery, they're battling every day with the fact that they're gaining weight. Just because a person has chosen recovery does NOT indicate that suddenly, they love the idea of weight gain... It indicates that they've chosen life over their eating disorder. Just as they've found the strength to move away from their hyper-vigilant focus on weight, an external comment on their weight has just put a focus back on it. The moment they receive this comment, it will crumble them, create a downward spiral, make them wonder if recovery is worth it and potentially, be the cause of a relapse. Dolls, I'm not a big believer in blame but as individuals in society, there needs to be some accountability for the topics we deem as 'acceptable'. We must take accountability for how accepted and 'normal' it's become to comment on each other's bodies because the consequences are dire.

• Forcible hospital weight gain:

If a person's weight loss has led to medical instability, a hospital admission may be critical. To aid in medical stability, re-feeding is rudimentary pratice. However at this point, although the weight gain is necessary, it's important to recognise that the weight gain is also involuntary. To a person with a weight-loss involved eating disorder, weight gain is the polar opposite of the desire of their illness. I've spent admissions fighting for my life yet people would say things like 'But you look fine!', 'You're looking a lot better' or 'How did you lose so much weight? I want to look like you!' The emotional toll of forcible weight gain is insurmountably difficult and the concept was even scarier the first few times intervention became necessary. How I 'looked' should've been redundant because at that point the facts of my intrinsic biochemistry should've been the sole critical interest. Pointing out physical weight gain when it isn't a thing that's wanted is always going to be hurtful because like one of the functions of my eating disorder, it reduced my worth to my appearance.

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A key underlying theme in all weight-based comments is assumption... The assumption that weight-loss is positive, the assumption that appearance is important to a person, the assumption that weight is an a mutually interesting topic of discussion, the assumption that someone does or doesn't want to get better.

To assume is to silence.

We must stop assuming these common assumptions and start begin to ask the members of our society how they truly are... in their soul, in their mind, in their heart, in their body. Because, Dolls, there is nothing more beautiful than being the reason somebody doesn't have to hide in their shadow because you were the light that finally shone on them.

Kisses,

COS x

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