THE FUTURE I ADORE
Dolls, every choice we make and every thought that we have affect the future we wish to see tomorrow. As my dear mother says, believing in the possibility of the version of my life that I truly adore allows me to be halfway there. The future j'adore is grand in monumental ways and delightfully simple in others. Allow the future I love to inspire one that you love, Shopaholics.
Once upon a time, my passions enriched my day-to-day life. I loved the world that allowed me to be excited, free, and strong. Like others, as I grew older, my hobbies were pushed aside as I began to focus on studies, work and relationships. Equally, what I loved got lost as I found the things I didn't love about myself. Whenever my eating disorder was at the forefront of my mind, not only did I not love my hobbies anymore, I was too weak to engage with all that I'd once adored. In my future, I'm in love with running, the motion that allows me to feel as close as I'll ever feel to flying. I'm in love with singing, I let myself learn new songs, I memorize the lyrics and the tune. I love writing my own songs, discovering a melody accompanied by the piano I play. I'll remember how magical that journey feels against my fingertips, the one that feeds my soul. In my future, I'm in love with words, I have the brain function to creatively and imaginatively write, for hours upon hours, unclouded by the dark thoughts that have infiltrated my mind.
They say that you can't love someone else before you love yourself...
Not only do I think this phrase is wildly simplistic, I think it's worded poorly.
As a person unable to love myself, I can testify that I've managed to maintain my love for the people I love. I've not only been able to love them, on numerous occasions, I've existed for them. I know that it's been scrutiny for those I love to watch me show extreme negligence to myself and perhaps that is the meaning. I don't believe this saying doubts my ability to love, it is questioning the ethics involved in such a love. In a future that I adore, my perception of myself isn't perfect but there is harmony, acceptance and ultimately love involved. The fundamental love I have for those around me and the quality of time I can spend with them is enhanced in every way. Though, there is truth in this phrase because the prospect of loving someone new is daunting. This is because of my lack of confidence that I could ever love someone well and in a way that they deserve. In a future that I adore, I trust that I am enough as I am. In a future that I adore, the idea of falling in love is a concept that will prove itself to be mutually beautiful in every way.
I am lucky enough to have a relationship with my parents that is incredibly special, warm and kind. It has a sturdy foundation of respect, love and support. All of us provide every element for one another in many ways and in every way. There aren't words that depict how uniquely magical our little family is. But it is. And my illness, amongst other stressful factors of life, contributes to a tainted love that is the nearest to untaintable. In a future that I love, the hand I deal is purer, not laced with elements of deception, fear and sadness that it currently entails. The ease that a hand like this would grant my parents would make me proud of myself and less unashamed of my place in the family that we all adore so fondly and truly.
Shopaholics, each of my confessions of the future I adore is a confession that I hope with all of my heart is a seed in a life that will one day be all mine. And maybe, just, maybe, Dolls, it already is but I just don't know it... yet!
Kisses,
COS x
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