The Unlikeliest Of Alliances

Alliances are often founded under strenuous circumstances, where it is in the better interest of both parties to team up. An alliance is different to a friendship. Sometimes it's a deal with the devil to get into heaven. Sometimes we form alliances with people who we don't like or people who aren't good. At a young age, I made an alliance with an eating disorder. The eating disorder provided me with what I thought I wanted at the time but I think my eating disorder benefited from our alliance more than I ever have. It took so much from me when I gave it so much. This week, I'll explain why such an alliance is unlikely, its detriment & why it maintains.

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Shopaholics, I preach confidence and inspire empowerment with every blog post because I aim to manifest it for my beautiful dolls but for me, too. To be transparent, I am often unsure about my purpose, whether I amount to anything or deserve good things. It is through my alliance that I have been fed these fundamental beliefs. It is through my alliance that such beliefs have led me to sabotage opportunities, my body and my quality of life. How unlikely that a beautiful little girl capable of becoming a beautiful butterfly would crawl into a dark cocoon. How unlikely that something not real could convince her that it was. How unlikely it is, that she would continue to run to something that was destroying her.

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In life, what is most painful to me is the notion that somebody I love could be hurt, especially by me. I love my friends and family a lot more than I've been able to love myself, however, my actions haven't always expressed just how much I truly do love them. I have consistently and repetitively prioritised the voice of my eating disorder over their voice, even when I've desperately wanted their gentle words to be the only words in the world. Unfortunately, Dolls, evil exists and so does pain, so does frustration and so does anger... a trio of emotions that invites chaos, destruction and irrationality.

It's the most unlikely thing in the world that I would let an outside source bully my friends & family. Yet they are bullied every day. It's the most unlikely thing in the world that I would distance them when they could be my refuge, keep them in a shadow of confusion and dismay. Yet, I create distance. It's the most unlikely thing in the world that I would allow them to feel unsafe. Yet they feel unsafe, scared, worried, and distraught. How could I continue to welcome an infection, if not for my own sake then most certainly for those I love? Dolls, I am my disease and my disease is me yet I am also not my disease and my disease is not me. It is as confusing as it sounds and it wreaks havoc in my mind day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. My disease is reluctantly a part of their life, also, continuing to pull us into a recurring whirlpool that withdraws joy and vitality.

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To complete what is unlikely about this tortuous alliance is its intent to reduce my life. My capacity to work is restrained as I find myself unable to lift heavy objects or maintain my mental state for lengthy shifts. Everyone is constantly worried about me which creates anxiety for both parties when I socialise with friends at events or parties. Certain activities involving exercise are restricted and I'm nearly always excluded from gatherings surrounding food like dinner dates or Sunday boulevard walks with lattes. It's unlikely that I'd resort to an alliance that bites more than it chews. However, the more it eats, the hungrier it gets.

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So why is it Dolls that so many people call this misery their life? Why do so many restrict their lives and the lives of those they love? The answer is clear as water and cold as ice... It's not a choice.

Just as nobody chooses to have illnesses like depression, cancer or schizophrenia, nobody chooses Anorexia. Anorexia chooses them.

Kisses,

COS x

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