TO HATE THYSELF
To hate thyself is finding constant evidence to fulfil the self-professing prophecy that denotes your unworthiness to be loved, by you or anyone. To hate thyself consumes you as it dictates not only the thought patterns inside your mind but also, your actions. It prevents and restricts you from engaging with your inner child, your free self, and your passions, instead, confining you into a small black box, trapping your wings and chaining your feet. To hate thyself is to hate life, is to hate living.
When the vessel of your being - your body and your essence - is hated by yourself, you are essentially experiencing the world through a virtual barrier of distaste. And as you continue to walk, any evidence of love, importance and goodness is blocked, whilst all evidence to support that you're worthy of only hate is absorbed like a sponge. So you will constantly be struggling to breathe because the only air you have to breathe has been contaminated by blackness, brokenness and loneliness. Out of all of the complexities that come with hating yourself, I find this aspect the hardest to deal with because any minor criticism is experienced in the same way another would a major criticism. This means that the feeling of being hated, judged, and disliked to a large degree is felt many, if not tens or hundreds of times a day.
If it doesn't sound unbearable as it is, I need to stress point blank that it is the sole source of emotional pain that has ever crippled me physically as well.
Most people strive to attain health in their minds and their bodies. Have you ever met somebody who doesn't though... Who smokes, doesn't eat properly or drinks too much? I can't speak for all those groups, of course, nor the finicky variables of each person's individual story but what I can speak for is my story as a person who doesn't prioritise my wellbeing. It's not because I've chosen to be lazy. It's not because I disrespect my loved ones. And it's not because I don't care, either. It's because I'm hurting so intently, in so many different aspects of my life at such different, though always intense degrees. And in a space like that, I can vouch that it's very easy to lose yourself amidst the lack of order in the world. The more you lose yourself, the more chaos that follows.
To hate thyself means that with all the love a person has to give, none of it goes to thyself. And people with mental illnesses, in my experience, are some of the most sensitive souls you'll ever meet, burning with a desire for connection, love and safety. So when all of that love has only one place to go, to others, it becomes draining to love other people because they're giving so much of themselves away. This isn't at all saying that they don't want to love others but rather that their ability to love is so immense that they don't know how to let their love rain, only pour. It becomes draining to love others and draining for others to be loved. It becomes such an intense love, one that you'd kill for.
Even in the arms of its beauty, it's uncontainable.
Dolls, to hate thyself cannot be summed up by a single word or phrase or blog post. To hate oneself is to navigate oneself through a complex storm. I can say, though, that as the years progress and you begin to navigate through its storm, there are glimpses of rainbows that allow you to feel moments of relief, surges of love and memories made.
Kisses,
COS x
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