To Want The Unwantable.

To want is to want. The unwantable is their 'love'. To want the unwantable is to want the 'love' an abuser gives. Occasionally, I reminisce, forgetting the intricacies of their tactics and becoming distracted by the allure of their poisonous spell. In my wanting, I find myself once again lost amidst my devotion to a life with them, despite it being one that killed me and the life I was destined to lead. To want the unwantable is like a sickly disease. Whilst it undoubtedly takes strength to decide you don't want it, the real strength is found in the details of the broken days thereafter. This is a blog post to prevent a derailing of a hard-earned stance, for those who miss their abusers.

---

Do you recall all of those sleepless nights, when you wanted to pick up the phone and send them a message or call their number and say 'I miss you'? I do. I recall how telling myself I was worth more even when I didn't believe it felt like I was itching ants buried beneath my skin. Do you recall the aching in your heart as you watched others engage in that activity you only did with them, suffering through the absence of you two together in that picture instead of strangers? I do. Because I can still feel the longing in my body and soul as I type the words on my page. So if I cave now, I feel the relief for a moment, perhaps a few days or weeks or months and then I'll remember why I left. I'll remember it as the yelling begins. I'll remember it as I'm belittled to a name, made to feel like a piece of rubbish thrown away in his trash. I'll remember it as I'm next to him, though I feel like there's a universe standing between us. And if I find the strength to leave again, the clock will restart and all of my hard work will be a distant memory. Day 1, day 2, day 3... And then so many days will pass that I'll begin to miss him again, the way I do now and all of it will have been for nothing. You may miss them now. But is going through that entire narrative again really worth it? And can your special, fragile heart truly take it? Don't let them cut off your wings again little butterfly. Keep flying. Because if the day comes when you fly again, it is going to be so much harder than this time, the time you've already so bravely done.

---

You tell yourself that you're wanting the wantable a.k.a love. But you have to remind yourself that you're wanting the UNwantable because that wasn't love. 

All relationships have highs and lows but these lows weren't the same as a tipping scale, they were off the charts, the sunken dirt at the bottom of a puddle.

And Doll...Sweet, darling Doll? You know it. Oh, how I wish you didn't know it. How I wish nobody related to this blog post. It's easy to forget, I know, but when I try remembering for long enough, I can remember the low that left me broken apart and crumbled into bits and pieces, minced like meat in a grinder, in bed for hours, sometimes days. Can you? It wasn't love unless you'd ask the bruises of a beaten soldier to remain. Writing this, I know how hard it is to tell yourself it isn't love. I know this as I feel the part of my heart that yearns for all of the good parts of him and us. I know the part of your heart that will forever yearn for them but know this, Dolls... The part of you that yearns for them does not belong to them. I believe in one key difference between a wantable love and an unwantable love:

With an unwantable love, the love you have to give must stop at you or it will contaminate the purity within your heart, creating a worse version of yourself. Whereas, with wantable love, you will flourish: transforming and developing into the best version of yourself.

---

Everyone is worth more than being abused. Wanting the unwantable is allowing yourself to think that you're an exception, that somehow, you deserve to be loved by somebody who, inexcusably, has something so wrong with them. I often tell myself it isn't abuse until I remember to ask myself the question; would I allow for even the people I dislike the most in this world to be loved in the way he used to 'love' me? Would I be comfortable sitting in silence, sitting back and observing if they were receiving an influx of hateful messages or if he was there screaming at them with headphones in their ears begging for peace or if they sat dumbfounded, weeping over the confusion of having yet another innocent action be deemed as 'wrong'? Would I? Oh, how I would not. I would intervene. I would defend. And then I would put my body in between the two and support the victim with all my strength so they knew they were not 'crazy'. I couldn't allow an abusive scene to unfold before my eyes, not for somebody who'd hurt me, wronged me or bullied me. Nobody deserves the isolation of a moment in time that feels frozen as you become numbed by the feeling of losing yourself. Nobody. So why do you think that it's acceptable, for even a second, to let yourself believe that you are deserving of it?

---

To want the unwantable, by many, isn't understandable. To those, they may have never understood the feeling of love in the heart that is equally churning with hate, distaste and disappointment. But, Dolls, I understand. I know the agony of being pulled between the highs of their highs and the lows of their lows. May this blog post assist you in detangling yourself from their many arms and remind you why it's worth choosing to be free of them.

Kisses,

COS x