Toxic Love
Love, love, love... it's inextricably complicated, utterly magical and remarkably special. Disney films portray the nuances of love through depictions of family, relationships and friendship love. But they fail to portray the exceptions... The type of love that feels like the air you breathe is contaminated with gas and smog. They fail to express the heart-wrenching moments of living a free life that feels like a prison, knowing that the one decision to make the pain stop is at your fingertips and that such a decision appears incredulous. Toxic love, Dolls, is not love. Not even close.
The Myth
The myth of toxic love is what keeps the engine churning. Rationally you know it wasn't your fault, that you didn't deserve it and that there was never anything wrong with you. But when somebody you once trusted tells you something enough times, you begin to believe it. Because of the trusting bond you once shared, you take their judgements on board and that is the bate they hook you with until your guts are poured out and everything you once thought about yourself bleeds out of you like a river. Ultimately, the myth that you're the perpetrator becomes engrained in your psyche and the fear of being found out for the shameful person you now believe that you are is so great that you'd feel ludicrous to confide in someone. You'd feel ludicrous to ponder the idea that you could be innocent. You'd feel ludicrous to wonder if the myth was a myth. Oh, but sweet Dolls, it is a myth. Do you hear me? It just is.
Manifestation
The type of manifesting I am referring to is not a visualisation technique, unfortunately... It's a present reality where the aftermath manifests into new destructive habits. However the toxic love ceases, when it does, a hole in your soul that was once filled with shame, hate and unkindness will be left open. The fortunate ones will never feel the presence of this gaping hole, seeing the situation for what it was and moving forwards unattached to the past. But most of us aren't so fortunate. Whether or not you make the conscious decision to manifest the previous toxicity into behaviours such as rough sex, degradation, eating disorders or self-harm, at some point you will. You are likely to feel that pain and suffering are fundamental components of living, that it's required to cope or that you deserve it. A toxic love will perish your soul throughout the love and afterwards. Like how the day phases from dusk 'till dawn, your soul will phase from light 'till dark.
The world around you
Toxic love is toxic through sound, sight and touch. For example, name-calling, cruel looks and violence. The aftermath of a toxic love has the same make-up as the perpetrator. Sound, sight and touch will never be as they once were. Sound will frighten you, sight will haunt you and touch will hurt you.
Sound
I could hear his voice in every conversation until all men sounded monotone and the voice of a man themself sounded alarming. I could hear his words in the voices of those I loved... I now created sentences that weren't said and interpreted words not for how they were meant. Distinguishing between a toxic love and love felt initially impossible but as the years went on, I learnt to find the biggest picture, those whose acts of goodness outweighed any act of badness. Sudden and loud noises still make me freeze, the spark of guilt rushing through my body instantaneously as if I'd asked for it... wanted it. The shock used to linger for hours and now it subsides fairly quickly. However, I don't believe that I will ever be free from the presence of loudness, anger and power that once dominated my space.
Sight
I see you in the subtle tapping of fingertips on the steering wheel and the side of mugs of coffee. I see you when the same car model you owned gives way to me at the traffic lights. I see you in the alike handwriting of a stranger. I see you everywhere I go, yet you're nowhere to be found. Will I see you in these ways forevermore? You may be wondering how these seemingly normal misinterpreted sights equate to the after-effects of toxic love. It's not in the tricks my mind plays but it's in the response that evokes. It's in the electricity that surges through my heart and cripples me as I think for a fleeting moment that I have been cursed with your presence.
Touch
The touch of my mother as she cradles me in her arms, the stroke of a bypassing stranger and the embrace of a dear friend securing me in their warmth are the touches that have never before felt so complete, so nice. Yet, other touches are pervadingly hurtful, generating untrustworthiness that shudders through my body like lightning. It occurs mostly through unexpected touch when I haven't had the time to prepare with my sense of sight. It's when somebody quickly grabs me to move me out of danger. It's when somebody hurriedly holds my hand as we cross the street. It's when somebody cuddles me from behind. In these moments, history catches up to me too fast and the tainted memories I have of touch define the outcome of the innocent touch.
The myth, manifestation and the world around you are the components of a tragedy... a tragedy that nobody should have to experience and endure. But unfortunately, the world is filled with elements of hatred. The beautiful thing about our world is that every day the sun rises again, light devours the night sky and pink ribbons kiss the orange haze. Every day is a new day to create the chapter you want to write for your life book, Shopaholics. Don't allow hatred to waste another day and remain stuck in the grimness of the midnight hour.
Cos x
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