When One Lie Leads To A Thousand
Pretty Little Liars was one of my favourite TV shows as a teenager. Although its dialogue is impressive and the storyline is addictive, there is one great misconception- that a lie could ever be associated with prettiness. Initially, I began to lie for selfish reasons... To protect my eating disorder. However, I continued adding fuel to the fire to protect my family from being privy to the exceedingly scary medical metrics associated with my biochemistry. I was soon entangled in a web of lies where guilt stuck to my brain and danger stuck to my body. They say the truth will set you free. As a woman once embedded in a thousand lies, I can rightfully say that the saying is immensely accurate.
A Thousand Lies For Me
Anorexia started out as a secret in itself. When friends and family began asking me questions, I felt too ashamed to be honest about my struggles... Ashamed of the obsession, starvation & self-hatred. Looking back, I wish I'd confided in those who loved me and saw what was unfolding. Secrets began to emerge like wildfire as a result of Anorexia. Usually, it was denying all of my newfound habits and restrictions to friends and family. But occasionally, it was covering up serious problems like fainting so that I didn't have to compromise the eating disorder and could continue doing the behaviours causing the side effects. Alas, the eating disorder relished in its sense of control but my true self had never felt so out of control, so scared and so unbelievably alone.
Shopaholics, you must understand that this illness isn't lenient for any advice or person that compromises it. The illness is stubborn, immune to being guided off its trajectory. The people who tried to save me were inevitably the ones I resented because in the end, if you're not careful, it's just you and your eating disorder, Dolls. It is you who must combat the darkness. Others may be your stars but you must be the sun. When others endeavoured to help me, placing restrictions and setting rules, it went over my head. Everything I was asked not to do, I felt compelled to do. I hated it. I hated who I was becoming. I hate who I've become. I hate how others' advice & solutions are black and white, how my thoughts and patterns are their conundrums and how the disappointed expression glazes over their face as the nightmare grows branches they thought had fully grown.
A Thousand Lies For Others
When you love someone, you don't want them to worry. Especially when other aspects of their lives are plateauing. Fear of making things harder for those around me to relieve my pain and fear felt selfish. I constantly feel like a burden financially and emotionally, so I began to lie, hide and conceal. But I was wrong, Dolls. The people who love you want to hear of all the good and the bad like how in wedding vows, they say 'in sickness and in health'. And the irony is that my parents had all of the evidence to the contrary in front of their eyes every day. Never forget, Shopaholics, the people who love you the most, know you the best.
Eating disorder symptoms are gravely detrimental and what starts as one lie, does lead to a thousand. The eating disorder tricks its sufferers into thinking these symptoms are not urgent or problematic because if it's reaching its ultimate goal to shrink, nothing else is important. Those that we love observe our downfall but we are tricked into thinking it's a success. I began to do things that instilled great shame such as skipping meals, hiding food, using tricks to fill me up and distorting the truth. I'd lost touch with who I was, my passions and my desires. All I was was a smaller version of myself and I don't just mean physically. My family saw the life, adventure and soul I once inhibited shrink into a shrub that had no strength against the breeze. The very essence of who I am is a lie. I am living vicariously through anorexia.
Lying has been a despicable act ever since I learnt of the profound impact it has on other people and their perception of you. Lying is so foreign to who I am which is why I began to feel implicitly ashamed of myself as it became a regular act. It's never just one lie, Dolls, and it always manifests into a thousand. I leave you with a piece of advice, a confession for my pretty Shopaholics. It's unrealistic to advise you not to lie because that is the nature of the illness. But people value discussions and confessions. Be honest with yourself and others about your reluctance in compromising circumstances, how you hate the words that depart your lips and the melancholy that follows you at all times. I hope you are met with the compassion and understanding that you deserve, Dolls.
Kisses,
COS xxx
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