'You're Missing Out.'

Having an eating disorder isn't a choice and those who suffer from it are tormented by the voices they constantly hear day in and day out. Believe me when I say that we know how much we miss out on and sufferers despise enduring every melancholic moment when the voice of our eating disorder is the loudest noise in the world. How do people like me live through special occasions involving or centred around eating? Let me take you on a ride, Shopaholics.

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'You're missing out' became the phrase that was the symphony of my life. Incessantly, my friends and family told me I was 'missing out' with every ice cream I declined, every 'healthy swap' I chose and every meal I restricted. In the moments that I said 'No', I wanted to say 'Yes' with all of my heart. I felt sad, frustrated and confused as to why for me, it had to be more challenging to accept than to decline. It's not that I didn't want to accept their offer, no not at all, it was that I didn't have the strength to deal with the relenting bully in my head that would shame me and induce immense guilt if I were to accept. the last time that my mother offered me something and said 'You're missing out' was the last time because when I looked at her with tears in my eyes and spoke the words 'Don't you think I already know that?', finally, she understood the hurtfulness of that phrase. Now, my family are grateful for the moments when I feel strong enough to battle my bully but equally, they provide comfort in the moments when I cannot. Deducing this phrase from our vocabulary has been instrumental in my wanting to participate more... It took the judgement that was placed on me away and empowered me with love, support and hope that I could do it. That phrase made me feel isolated, as though I was a spectacle, a world away on the other side of a looking glass.

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A common act of love is cooking. Sweet boyfriends prepare bowls of creamy tomato gnocchi for their lover on Valentine's Day, housemates bring home freshly baked muffins from the local bakery and in my household, my mum bakes me elaborate, creative cakes for my birthdays. An eating disorder doesn't just rob the person with the disorder of these experiences, it also robs it of those who love them. It's easy for someone who doesn't understand what a sufferer is going through to feel frustrated and offended when suddenly, their lover/friend/daughter stops enjoying a gift they once adored. Upon the development of an eating disorder, the victim feels so much shame when they begin to say 'No'. But the shame is only perpetuated upon seeing the hurt look stained across a loved one's face. As your face turns upside down, the person with an eating disorder is configuring all of the scenarios that would've taken place upon saying 'Yes' and has weighed up that it's not worth the abuse and torment they'll be sentenced to. At a point of declination, the eating disorder voice has peaked and as a result, they hate themselves for the choice they felt forced to make. Perhaps if more people knew that at this crossroad, they were struggling so fiercely, the person offering would be less judgemental, their thoughts would be less critical and their comments would be less cold. When it becomes noticeable to a victim that you're unhappy, disappointed or annoyed at us for saying 'No', we feel like a terrible person, fearful that you don't want to spend time with us anymore and that we've ruined a moment for you, as well as for us. During this time, your kindness, compassion and understanding can save the memory of that occasion. It's helpful to separate the person from their illness and understand that it's not the person you love saying no, it's their demon. Additionally, your warmth will make us feel safer, preventing us from feeling like more of an outcast than we already feel.

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Shopaholics, if you decide that a person who has an eating disorder won't want to participate in any event surrounding food, you've falsely assumed on their behalf. Most social events involve food at some point because humans have to eat and mostly, humans like to eat. How, then, can you include those with eating disorders, especially during those occasions that surround and involve food?

All good things begin with honest, respectful & open conversation. Every person with an eating disorder is different. For example, I know some people who struggle to eat in front of others and I know people who need others to be there with them over meals. They say that you don't know what you don't know... So? ASK, Dolls. Here are some examples of what you could ask a loved one prior to an occasion:

• 'There will be food, do you want to come?'

• 'Will it be easier for you to bring food you're comfortable eating or do you want to try the food we will be eating?'

• 'Do you want to eat before the occasion or during the occasion?'

• 'What things can I say that will help you, instead of triggering you?'

• 'How can I best support you throughout this occasion?'

Creating a space that is honest, supportive and loving increases the likelihood of us finding the courage to participate... If not now, then possibly next time. Alongside special occasions exists the offering of food as a present/date/gift. But for all of the people who aren't in a position to accept and engage with gifts in the form of food, pressuring us doesn't help, it creates intense anxiety. Instead, meet us halfway... Shower us with the millions of gifts that take other forms, the ones that we can relish in entirely, void of any stress. For example, we appreciate artwork, flowers and jewellery. Some spontaneous dates that don't have a food focal include:

• The zoo

• The movies

• Fairs

• The beach

• Stargazing

Truly, we just enjoy spending time with you, even when it involves being around food such as going to restaurants, sitting at a picnic or going out for coffee. When you make assumptions that we want to be exempted from these activities, we are barred from a memory with you, which is the last thing we want.

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Shopaholics, this blog post is in light of my birthday taking place this coming weekend. During events such as these, I try to focus on my friends, family and the night but I cannot help but also grieve the moments I know I'll be missing out on. I desperately want to join in getting drunk with my friends, have the energy to party until the sun comes up, go out for a fancy lunch with my parents and have an extra slice of the beautiful cake my mum will spend all day cooking just for me. But acting on my desires isn't a simple choice... It's a battle. Already, I feel disappointed in myself. Already, I feel hateful towards anorexia for punishing my family and me over yet another special occasion. But mostly, I am angry at myself for still having a voice that remains weaker than my mental illness. So, I write this post in hopes that those who have a friend or family member living with an eating disorder will have the necessary tools to make times like this easier for them, instead of rubbing their pain in.

Kisses,

COS x

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