'YOUR EATING DISORDER IS LYING TO YOU'?

It's me again, Dolls, with intel on this controversial phrase...The phrase I once hated, disbelieved and shone. I felt that anorexia made all of my wishes come true, that it was intelligent and knew the answers to all of my problems. But with experience, I learnt that those truths were what slowly killed me and those I loved. Additionally... now I know, Dolls, that when I'm in the depth of anorexia, it is in fact, a lying machine. But at that point, I'm usually too far in to notice all of the little lies, every sickly trick and every deceptive movement.

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Throughout an eating disorder, a list of foods, food groups or food rules/rituals that are considered 'safe' accumulates. These 'safe' foods serve the purpose of the eating disorder whether it be losing weight, feeling a sense of control, being 'healthy', a combination of all three and more. When those who suffer with this illness see the purpose of eating their 'safe foods' become fulfilled, it is then associated with the eating disorder telling the 'truth'. But this truth is one of an enigma. Whilst the process of choosing 'safe foods' feels familiar, reliable and predictable, the process misconstrues us from other truths. For example, it is true that the unfamiliar, unreliable and unpredictable moments of life are the moments that create memories, breed experiences and manifest joy. Another aspect of this enigma is how mass exclusion and restriction centred around 'safe' foods is detrimental to the fundamental biological requirements of the human body. Humans require nutrients from a variety of sources and this certain truth is one that the eating disorder conveniently ignores. Shopaholics, I know that engaging with such 'safety' satisfies my eating disorders' desires. But I'm told the lie that it will make me feel good, better and happier when in fact, it effectively strips me of spontaneity, freedom from hospitals and opportunities.

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When the professionals officially diagnosed me with anorexia, my parents provided me with a general practitioner, a dietician, a psychologist and the medical team (for the frequent admissions at hospital). At the initial stages of treatment, I thought I was so smart. I thought that I could deceive, hide and manipulate without anybody batting an eye. Little did I know, I wasn't the first patient with anorexia nervosa that these experts had dealt with and inevitably, everybody knew everything despite my efforts. Out of all of the people I kept in the dark the most, it was my family. Considering the closeness of the relationship between my mother, dad and myself, the eating disorder was so afraid that if they knew how much I should eat, what I weighed or what any of the recommendations were, they would find a way to force me to meet such requirements. Based on the fear of what it didn't know, it lay out a set of rules based on the porousness that was its (lacking) evidence. Upon trusting this eating disorder truth, I had nobody advocating for me, supporting me or explaining complex science to me. I was totally, utterly alienated in my feelings of loss, loneliness, unsafety and confusion. Dolls, do you want to hear a secret?

I'd been played.

In reality, my parents understood that no matter what anybody advised, due to my strong, wilful and determined temperament, if change was going to occur, it would be on my terms. In reality, even at my lowest points, darkest hours and most misfortunate moments, my parents were the truest thing in the world as they held my hand as every wall crumbled apart. Anorexia lied and left unsaid many truths I was never told. I was never told how when my parents knew my weight, they didn't judge me... They saw me for more than a number, unlike anorexia. I was never told how when I allowed my parents to watch me eat the provided meal plan, they didn't form expectations... They instead encouraged me, said they were proud of my efforts and were thankful that finally, I was eating. Anorexia steals, Dolls. She steals your family, she steals your beliefs and she steals the truth.

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I was speaking to my mother the other day and she challenged me to wonder if I began engaging in some of my self destructive behaviours due to seeing its depiction online. Truthfully, Shopaholics, I can't say for certain. But do I think some of my behaviours were perpetuated with online influence? Absolutely, I do. I would've had no idea how to have anorexia in the way that I have it today without the information, rules and 'advice' shared by other sufferers on various online platforms. I'd restricted in the past, but I'd gained access to an entirely different ballgame...severe nutritional restriction. I am occasionally asked the details of what that looks like for me but let me make it clear, Dolls, never will I confess such cruel, destructive intel to you. The eating disorder voice went from a murmur to a bellow throughout my decline of intake...

And I solemnly believed every word.

It didn't matter if my parents, friends or professionals told me it was lying or exaggerating... The eating disorder couldn't risk losing control in any way, shape, or form. At the time, I believed that one nutritional increase, minor or major, at any given snack, meal, day or week would cause a significant change in my weight. However, throughout the times when I've been re-fed, which is the process of slowly and safely replenishing nutrition to a starved body, it has taken significant and constant nutritional increases to have any kind of impact on my weight. Shockingly, the science stood sturdier than anorexia... When starved, the metabolic rate decreases to preserve energy. When I'm severely restricting, for example, a small increase may temporarily result in weight gain. However, once my body has been re-fed to some extent, it is able to simply maintain weight with remarkably more nutrition. You see, our bodies are supposed to metabolise a normal amount of food. It is how humans are designed. Shopaholics, weight is not what is important in the grand scheme of things but I'd be lying to you if I said it didn't play a role in the manifestation of my eating disorder. I believe it's better to discuss things that I know other sufferers are fearful of because how else can we raise awareness, prevent death and encourage recovery?

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Dolls, there is no 'as good as it gets'... YOU are in control of your LIFE. I am giving you unconditional permission to make everything better with communication, fact-checking and your trust in my words. The eating disorder lies and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies.

Kisses,

COS x